Friday, July 31, 2015

Out Of The Friday Frying Pan And Into The Fire

 As only Microsoft could do it.
 There's a few missing, but I'll bet you get the gist.
 I could use one of these. That sure makes her look hot.
 Do I notice the hate being on the other side of this issue?
 I love Texas, but this 49er fan couldn't help himself.

Thursday, July 30, 2015


Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back."
NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter. Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter administration?

Didn't think so!

Bottom line is, we've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency, the reason for which very few people who read this can remember!
It was very simple... and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8/04/1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.
Hey, pretty efficient, huh???


38 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.
Ah, yes -- good old Federal bureaucracy.
Hello!!   Anybody left in America with any common sense?

Signed....The Night Watchman

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Canada To Change Their $2 Coin . . . .


The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the $2 coin in view of its demise due to global warming.
At the height of political correctness, they will replace it with 2 gay deer.
The coin will now be called “2 fuckin’ bucks"!
Thanks Hal


Tuesday, July 28, 2015

While Stuck In Traffic . . . .

A man is stuck in traffic on I-25 near Denver. He asks a Police
officer about the delay as he walks from car to car speaking with
each of the drivers.

The policeman says, "There are three Muslims blocking traffic and
threatening to douse themselves with gas and set themselves on fire
if we don't get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we're
taking up a collection for them."

The Man replies, "How much have you got so far?"

The Policeman responds, "About 30 gallons, but a lot of people are
still siphoning."


A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. 
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with  admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't  want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.’                       
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Thanks Hal

Monday, July 27, 2015

Stu ... Stu ... Stu ... Stuttering Monday ...

A teacher is
explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are
the only animals that stutter," she says. A little girl raises
her hand. "I had a little cat who
stuttered." The teacher, knowing
how precious some of these stories could become, asked the
girl to describe the incident."Well," she
began,  "I was in the back yard with my kitty and
the  Rottweiler that lives next door named Lacey,
got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over
the fence into our yard!'' "That must've
been scary," said the teacher. "It sure was,"
said the little girl. "My kitty
raised  her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!,
FfffffF," but before she could
say "Fuck-off !, the Rottweiler ate her!"

Thanks Hal   

Sunday, July 26, 2015

The Birthday Gift

On his 70th birthday, 
a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine
man  living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to
have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.  

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine
man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his
shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine.  You
take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.'
When you do, you will
become more manly than you have ever been in your
life, and you can perform for as long as you want."  The
man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned
and asked:  “How do I stop the medicine from
working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'
he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not
work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went
home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine,
and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said:
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her
clothes, and asked:  "What was the 1-2-3 for?" 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our
sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a
dangling participle.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Morning Sex ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual 
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only 
the tee shirt that she normally slept in.  As I walked in, 
almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've 
got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming 
or this is going to be my lucky day!"  Not wanting to 
lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; 
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the stove, 
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."

Other Cooking Rule 5 ers:

Thanks Hal

Friday, July 24, 2015

Farm Life in Australia....

A little boy comes down to
breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks
if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, " said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he
does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes
to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes
to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and
his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and
bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ?" he asks.

"Well, " his mother says, " I
saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs
for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any
bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week
you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for
breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the

The little boy looks up at his mother with a
smile, and
says, "You gonna tell him or should I ?"

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Two Coffees in Heaven

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a

'Are you Mohammed?' he  asks.

'No, my son, I am St. Peter.  Mohammed is higher up.'   Peter then points to
a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the
ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room
where he meets another bearded man.  He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he climbs the ladder yet again.  He
discovers a larger room where he meets an Angelic looking man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; You will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus!   Man, oh man!   Obama can
hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly
magnificent  looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats
his question:  'Are you Mohammed?'
he gasps as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look
exhausted.  Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes, please!'

As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out:
"Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!"

Keep your trust in God.  Your president is an idiot.

Thanks Hal

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Titillating Tuesday . . . .

 My new favorite flag.
These were stolen from just about everywhere, and Hal sent me one.

Monday, July 20, 2015

The Men's Help Line

Hello, “You have reached the ‘Men’s Help Line’, 
my name is Bob.  How can I help you?”

“Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife 

has been cheating on me.

You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when 

I answer, the caller hangs up.  
Plus, she goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot.

I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when 

she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she 

was not home.  So, hid in the garage, 
behind my boat and waited for her.

When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, 

buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out 
of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, 

that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard 
motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can get welded, 

or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

Thanks Dan

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Mother - Daughter Talk . . . .

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Her talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the gals.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do.   I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Thanks Dan

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Jogging ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

My neighbor came over the other
day and asked if I'd be her jogging partner. 
I told her I would first have to check with 
my cardiologist.  Well he nixed the idea.
I gave her your number so you can expect 
a call in the next day or two. You might want 
to check with your doctor
before you make a decision.
   ... just saying!

Thanks Hal 

Other Jogging Rule 5 ers:

Friday, July 17, 2015

Friday Fun . . . .

The Law of Unintended Consequences

Michelle recently announced that tourists can once again take pictures inside the White House.  She should have thought that through before someone snapped this picture in her private bathroom... 

Smile for the day! For those who haven't heard, Washington
State recently passed two laws. They legalized gay marriage and
legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized
on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be
stoned" Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Thursday, July 16, 2015

20 Things I Trust More Than Hillary Clinton

1.     Mexican tap water
2.     A porcupine with a “pet me” sign
3.     Bill Clinton, with my teenage daughter
4.     A fart while fighting the flu
5.     An elevator ride with Ray Rice
6.     Taking pills or a drink offered by Bill Cosby
7.      A Bigfoot sighting
8.     A Hillary Clinton war story reported by Brian Williams
9.     Gas station sushi
10.   Jimmy Carter, with the economy
11.   A Palestinian on a motorcycle
12.   Pete Carroll coaching decisions
13.   Eating an apple from an orchard at Fukushima reactor #4
14.   Hitching a ride from a guy in a goalie mask
15.   The ingredients in a hotdog
16.   Nancy Pelosi’s grip on reality
17.   Black Ice
18.   Jerry Sandusky as a Boy Scout leader
19.   Alien abduction stories
20.   Barney Frank in the shower asking you to pick up the bar of soap

Thanks David

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Senior Moments

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to 
the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about 
being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your 
own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, 
fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, 
and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, 
so I got my doctor's permission to join a 
fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, 
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my 
leotards on, the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same 
noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my 
shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

Grant me the senility to forget the 
people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, 
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this 
with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends 
if you can remember who they are!

Thanks Dan

Monday, July 13, 2015

Breaking News - Raleigh, NC

Jeff Gordon, Professional Stock Car racer​ announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew.  This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's plea to employ Black Harlem youngsters.  The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Black youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 9 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.  At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced Black crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt, Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff's wife in the shower.

Thanks Hal

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Man Can Remember . . . Sometimes

A woman wakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee
in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at
the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip
of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee,  'It's the 20th anniversary of
the day we met.'

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started
dating?  I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do,' she replies.

The husband pauses.  The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair
beside him.

The husband continued.  'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to
prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too,' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from
his cheek and said,

'I would have gotten out today.'

Thanks Hal

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Monday, July 6, 2015

Awww Monday ~ Woodsterman Style X

Awww ~ For The Love Of Goats
 Aamir and liz on their first date.
 Abdul and Bessie have been dating for quite awhile.
 Here's Fifi and her Madam.
 Awww, the starting of an orgy.
See the smiles? This is after the orgy.

I hope "Awww Monday" recovers from this.