Thursday, July 30, 2015

THE NIGHT WATCHMAN . . . .



Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back."
  SO, THEY LAID-OFF THE NIGHT WATCHMAN.
NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter. Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter administration?
Anybody?
Anything?
 No?

Didn't think so!

Bottom line is, we've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency, the reason for which very few people who read this can remember!
  Ready??
It was very simple... and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8/04/1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.
Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT'S 2015 -- 38 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT HAS DONE!

(THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?")
38 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.
Ah, yes -- good old Federal bureaucracy.
NOW, WE HAVE TURNED OVER THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?
Hello!!   Anybody left in America with any common sense?


Signed....The Night Watchman

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Canada To Change Their $2 Coin . . . .


CURRENCY NEWS FROM CANADA

The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the $2 coin in view of its demise due to global warming.
At the height of political correctness, they will replace it with 2 gay deer.
The coin will now be called “2 fuckin’ bucks"!
 
Thanks Hal
 

 

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

While Stuck In Traffic . . . .

A man is stuck in traffic on I-25 near Denver. He asks a Police
officer about the delay as he walks from car to car speaking with
each of the drivers.

The policeman says, "There are three Muslims blocking traffic and
threatening to douse themselves with gas and set themselves on fire
if we don't get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we're
taking up a collection for them."

The Man replies, "How much have you got so far?"

The Policeman responds, "About 30 gallons, but a lot of people are
still siphoning."

**********

A  LITTLE  RED WAGON  STORY ……
                       
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. 
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with  admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't  want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.’                       
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


Thanks Hal

Monday, July 27, 2015

Stu ... Stu ... Stu ... Stuttering Monday ...


A teacher is
explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are
the only animals that stutter," she says. A little girl raises
her hand. "I had a little cat who
stuttered." The teacher, knowing
how precious some of these stories could become, asked the
girl to describe the incident."Well," she
began,  "I was in the back yard with my kitty and
the  Rottweiler that lives next door named Lacey,
got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over
the fence into our yard!'' "That must've
been scary," said the teacher. "It sure was,"
said the little girl. "My kitty
raised  her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!,
FfffffF," but before she could
say "Fuck-off !, the Rottweiler ate her!"

Thanks Hal   

Sunday, July 26, 2015

The Birthday Gift



On his 70th birthday, 
a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine
man  living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to
have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.  

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine
man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his
shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine.  You
take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.'
When you do, you will
become more manly than you have ever been in your
life, and you can perform for as long as you want."  The
man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned
and asked:  “How do I stop the medicine from
working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'
he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not
work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went
home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine,
and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said:
"1-2-3!"
 
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her
clothes, and asked:  "What was the 1-2-3 for?" 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our
sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a
dangling participle.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Morning Sex ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual 
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only 
the tee shirt that she normally slept in.  As I walked in, 
almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've 
got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming 
or this is going to be my lucky day!"  Not wanting to 
lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; 
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the stove, 
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."



Other Cooking Rule 5 ers:
 

Thanks Hal

Friday, July 24, 2015

Farm Life in Australia....

A little boy comes down to
breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks
if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, " said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he
does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes
to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes
to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and
his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and
bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ?" he asks.

"Well, " his mother says, " I
saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs
for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any
bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week
you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for
breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the
kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a
smile, and
says, "You gonna tell him or should I ?"

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Two Coffees in Heaven



Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a
beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he  asks.

'No, my son, I am St. Peter.  Mohammed is higher up.'   Peter then points to
a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the
ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room
where he meets another bearded man.  He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he climbs the ladder yet again.  He
discovers a larger room where he meets an Angelic looking man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; You will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus!   Man, oh man!   Obama can
hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly
magnificent  looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats
his question:  'Are you Mohammed?'
he gasps as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look
exhausted.  Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes, please!'

As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out:
"Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!"

Keep your trust in God.  Your president is an idiot.


Thanks Hal

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Titillating Tuesday . . . .





 My new favorite flag.
These were stolen from just about everywhere, and Hal sent me one.