Friday, May 29, 2015

Hat in the Wind . . . .



Amazing how your values change as
you age!

I LOVE THIS WOMAN
 
An elderly lady was standing at the
railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow
away in the wind. A gentleman approached 
her and said, "Pardon me,
madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did
you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high
wind?" 

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands to hold onto this
hat." 

"But madam, you must know that
you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest. 

The woman looked 
down, then back up at the man and replied, 
"Sir, anything you see down
there is 75 years old. I bought this hat
yesterday!"


Thanks Hal

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Pondering . . . .



I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. 
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels 
and let the problem work itself out.
-------------------------------------------------
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People 

move out of the way much faster now.
-----------------------------------------------------
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her 

hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
-----------------------------------------------
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like 

their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
--------------------------------------------------------
You know that tingly little feeling you get when 

you really like someone? That's common sense 
leaving your body.
------------------------------------------------------------
I don't like making plans for the day because then 

the word "premeditated" get's thrown around 
in the courtroom.
---------------------------------------------------
I didn't make it to the gym today. 

That makes five years in a row
-------------------------------------------------------
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John 

and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying 
I went to the Jim this morning
-------------------------------------------------------------
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower 

curtains for murderers; if you find one, what's your plan?

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Chocolate Scare . . . .




We were raised on CADBURY'S chocolate as 
kids and even into adulthood

 

But I will never eat it again!!
I hope from now on you will throw yours 
away whenever you are given any.
It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
This is what happens when you eat Cadbury's chocolate!
 


THIS IS A MEDICAL WARNING!
It could happen to you, your family and friends!



CADBURY'S CHOCOLATE
 

Can cause
 


      SMALL FEET! 



    Warn everyone! 

Thanks Dan 

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Lost Churches of New York and New Jersey . . . .


When devastating hurricanes struck the east coast, 
even houses of worship were not spared.


A local television station interviewed a woman 
from New York's Harlem area and
asked how the loss of churches in the 
area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied, 
"I don't know 'bout all them
other peoples, but we ain't been to Church's in years. 
We gets our chicken from Popeye's."

Thanks Hal

Monday, May 25, 2015

Sunday, May 24, 2015

A Letter From Summer Camp . . . .


 Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.


Reposted From 5 years ago. Thanks Dan

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Church's Teachings ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style


As I walked down a busy street, knowing I was 
late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, 
homeless vagabonds (you know, tattered clothing, 
long hair etc)that are found in every town these days.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked 
away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them...

Recalling my old parish priest, Father Mike, who 
always admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed 
the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by 
some powerful inner urge to reach out 
to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, 
carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, 
my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, 
I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, 
'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!'



So I did...

I won't be at Mass this week...

Thanks Dan

Other Religious Rule 5 ers:
 

Thursday, May 21, 2015

A Traveling Marine . . . .



On a crowded train, traveling somewhere in 
Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length 
of the train looking for a seat before realizing that 
the only seat available was currently occupied by 
a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
 
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that 
seat?" The French woman just sniffed, and said to 
no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. 
My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire length of the train 
again, and discovered that the only seat available 
was in fact the onecurrently being occupied by 
the poodle.

Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once 
more before the French woman and said, "Please 
Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?"

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, 
you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you 
are tired?" This time, the Marine didn't say a word, 
but simply picked up he little dog, tossed it out the 
train window, then sat down. The woman shrieked, 
"Someone, defend my honour! This American
needs to be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for 
doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the 
wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong 
side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown
the wrong bitch out the window."

Thanks Hal

Wednesday, May 20, 2015