Friday, August 28, 2015

The Bar . . .



A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she 
isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, 
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing.
 You know, a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day!

Thanks Hal

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Sunday, August 23, 2015

The Genesis of Bureaucracy


Once  upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He's an experienced professional. He gave me a very different forecast" and he continued on his way.

A  short time later torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.


Thanks Dan

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Where Did We Leave Off ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style


MOTHER'S MILK:
A man was riding on a full bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"





Other Boob Loving Rule 5 ers:
 
 
Thanks Dan

Friday, August 21, 2015

The Biker at the Zoo


 A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC 
when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. 
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket 
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the 
eyes of her screaming parents.
  
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits 
the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
 
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting 
go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified 
parents who thank him endlessly.  
A reporter had watched the entire event.
 
The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the 
most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do 
in my whole life.'
  
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, 
the lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in 
danger and acted as I felt right.'
 
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go 
unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's 
paper will have this story on the front page.  So, tell me, 
what do you do for a living and what political 
affiliations do you have?'
 
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.
 
The following morning the biker buys the paper out of 
curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions, 
and reads, on the front page:
 
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT 
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

  And that pretty much sums up the media's 
approach to the news these days.

Thanks Hal

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Owww Thursdays



And now a word from our sponsors . . . 
The Docutrust Company
Thanks Hal!

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Engineers



Understanding Engineers #1:

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."




Understanding Engineers #2:

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers #3:

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"




Understanding Engineers #4:
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.




Understanding Engineers #5:

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”




Understanding Engineers #6:

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.




Understanding Engineers #7:
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."




And finally:

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.


Thanks Dick