Tuesday, May 5, 2015

PARKING TICKET . . . .

Mrs. Woodsterman and I went into town and visited a shop. 
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a 
parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 
"Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen 
a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and 
started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the 
second ticket and put it on the windshield with 
the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused 
him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, 
sneered at us and walked away. Just then our 
bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with Obama stickers. 
We try to have a little fun each day now that 
we're retired. It's so important at our age!!

Thanks Dan

Monday, May 4, 2015

Awww Monday ~ Woodsterman Style II


Photography is patience and timing.






Thanks Hal

 

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Craig's List Ad . . . .


AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.  You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.  I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it Was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of What you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That Made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution
is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,
Alex


Saturday, May 2, 2015

Soap ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style



Two guys are off to the showers late one night
 after working out. They undress and step into the  
showers before they realize there is no soap.

Odie says he has soap in his locker and goes to get it, 
not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, 
one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three middle 

aged ladies heading his way. Having no place to hide, 
he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The ladies stop and comment on how life-like Odie looks. 

The first lady suddenly reaches out 
and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the 

first lady, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory 
the second lady also pulls on his manhood. Sure 
enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third lady decides to have a go. She pulls once, 

then twice and three times but nothing happens. 
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...

"Oh My God, HAND LOTION TOO!






Other Soapy Rule 5 ers:
 

Friday, May 1, 2015

You can't put lipstick on a pig OR a Pants Suit on a Turd







And let's not forget, It's National Bring A 
Thug Home to Dinner Day.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Trust . . . .



Things that I trust more than Hillary Clinton:

Mexican tap water

A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign

OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection

Charlie Manson sleep walking

An elevator ride with Ray Rice

Michael Jackson's Doctor

A Palestinian on a motorcycle

Gas station Sushi

A Jimmy Carter economic plan

Brian Williams news reports

Loch Ness monster sightings

Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton

Bill Clinton being responsible for White House interns

A night with the Boston Strangler

Thanks Hal

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

A Heart Warming Story . . . .


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Thank You Amanda K Donovan From Facebook

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Let's Go To Wally-World, Shall We


 Hey! You staring at dat ass? Just because it looks like
 someone threw paint on her personal seismograph 
doesn’t mean you get to look. That’s his ass and he
 wants you to know it. Back off son.
 Sweet baby Jesus. What. The Shit. Is That? Bruce Jenner 
makes a better looking lady and he just started last month! 
Whatever, my penis is officially retired. Hanging up the 
jersey, it’s over. He doesn’t wanna play no mo’ 
and that’s on you lady.
 Wow. The Verizon “Can you hear me now” guy was 
much nicer about it than you are and look how popular 
he got. Who was having that much trouble seeing 
you that it drove you to this vulgarity?
 The line between MILF and embarrassing is a very thin one. 
The key ladies is to stay classy not groupie trashy.
I don’t see what’s weird with this picture at all. 
That’s just my Proctologist shopping for DVDs at Walmart.

 This guy looks like he played a mean jazz saxaphone…
but on Sesame Street.


Thank You People of Walmart (LINK)

Monday, April 27, 2015

Awww Monday ~ Woodsterman Style


Photography is patience and timing.




Thanks Hal 



Sunday, April 26, 2015

EXTREME REDNECKS


You're An EXTREME Redneck When...




1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at 
     the dinner table;  in front of her kids.
 

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and 
    down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have 

    the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league 

    bowls on a different night.
 

5. You wonder how service stations keep their 
    rest-rooms so clean.
 

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 
    'Hey, guys, watch this.'
 

7. You think Dom Perpignan is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner 

      are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded;  

      right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more 

      teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get 

      a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because 

      there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means 

      getting your wife drunk.




And in closing....

Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park,  were sitting 

around talking one afternoon over a cold beer, after getting 
off work at the local chicken processing plant.

After a while,  the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was 

to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your 
wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and 
had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, 

scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard 
about the question.  Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know 
about kin, but it would make us even!"

Thanks Hal