Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween Woodsterman Style


The nun got into a New York cab and notices that the 
VERY handsome cab driver will not stop staring at her.
She asks him, "Why are you staring at me?”  He replies, 
“I have a question to ask you, but I don’t
want to offend you.  She answers, "My son, you cannot 
offend me.  When you are as old as
I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a 
chance to see and hear just about anything.
I am sure that there is nothing you could say or ask that 
I would find offensive.  The cabbie said,
“Well I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” 

She responds, “Well , lets see what we can do about that. 
First, you must be single and second,
you must be Catholic.”  The cab driver is very excited, 
and said, “Yes, I am single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun said, “Pull into the next alley.”  
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush

When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.  
“My dear child” said the nun,
“Why are you crying?”

The cabbie replied,”Sister,forgive me for I have sinned.  
I lied and must confess. I am
married and I am Jewish.”

The nun said, “That’s OK.  my name is Kevin and 
I am going to a Halloween party.

Halloween Party Favors:




Thank You Mr. Trailbee

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Time To Revisit: SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE


....It takes less than 15 seconds....
If you are over 45 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?



1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S





Answers:

1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer's.
But you are a Pervert.

Oh, I are one too ....

Thank You Mr. Trailbee

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

"I am Venting" ~ by Our Friend Trailbee

I couldn't say this any better, so here are Trailbee's
words I found so perfect:
 
TO THE GOP AND ALL PAC's

I am so bloody sick and tired of getting your mail!
You want money.  The request is cloaked, but you 
only want money.

Guess what?  You are not getting it - not one lousy penny!!!

WHY?
You have had six long years to get this deceitful, misbegotten 
son of a Kenyan Commie out of the White House.  
Six long,  god-awful, whiney years!
Voters like myself have waited and waited for you to do 
something, say something, get angry enough to speak up.  
Six long years to look at what you would have to do to pull the 
damned rug out from under this scandal-ridden lying sack 
of offal away from his teleprompter.

SO WHAT DID YOU DO?
No, don't bother telling me about the bills Harry is sitting on.  
I know all about it, watched and listened to the whining from 
the Congress. I mean, what did you actually do to defeat Barry?
Not a damned thing.  
We voters are a forgiving lot, and even a shut-down didn't daunt us.  
But, you would not get your act together, infighting and snide 
name-calling and fragmenting both Houses.
You cannot argue and fight for five years and then expect 
solidarity in the sixth.
I watched in awe and amazement as your stupid rhetoric bounced 
off the House walls, in the corridors and on television.  
I'll say this for you - you people are a class-act!
You are already whittling away the victory you thought you 
might have next week.  
I have heard talking heads go from shrill victory speeches to 
the cautious notes of maybe.

AND?
You are expecting us, the voters, to pull your spoiled 
chestnuts out of the fire for you.
You want money, lots and lots of money.  Forget it.
You want votes, lots and lots of votes - votes from women 
and those black people who are still in love with their black 
messiah, and votes from people who pick your food.
You consciously chose not to fix our tax problem.
You consciously chose not to fix our immigration problem.
You consciously chose to screw our Military.

AND THE WORST OF ALL
YOU CONSCIOUSLY CHOSE TO MIMIC THAT SACK 
OF WHITE HOUSE OFFAL AND LEFT A RETURNING 
MARINE ROTTING IN A MEXICAN JAIL SINCE APRIL!
YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!  

You have done nothing to deserve my hard-earned money.   
NOT ONE PENNY, PEOPLE, NOT ONE RED CENT.
 
 
I get a notice from the RNC myself once a week.
I have never sent them one red cent.
A couple of weeks ago I was sent a past due notice.
That did it for me ... NO MORE ... EVER!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

One Smart Flight Attendant...... Said to Be a True Story

A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to an elderly white woman reading her Bible.


Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The man said "I cannot sit here next to this infidel." The flight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat."


After checking, she returned and stated "There are no more seats in economy, but I will check with my Cabin Manager and see if there is something in first class."


About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "Unfortunately she has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one available seat in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be incorrect of us to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, my Manager has agreed to make the switch to first class."


Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the elderly woman and said, "Therefore madam, if you would kindly gather your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as we do not want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."


Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing ovation.


I say, can I get an Amen to that!


Feel free to pass this one to others!


Thanks Dan!

Monday, October 27, 2014

Ahhh, Baseball!

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game sitting in the 
first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them. 
One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to 
the president.

Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, 
and shakes his head no.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a request from the team 
owner who is a big campaign contributor and the fans will love it"!

So, Barack shrugs and says, "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and 
tosses her right over the railing into the field. She gets up kicking, 
screaming and swearing.

The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and  high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and smiling,  and  leans over to the agent and says 
"You were right. I would have never believed that"!

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first pitch.

Thanks Mr. Trailbee!

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Burial Plans

A man and woman were married for 
many years .   Whenever there was a confrontation, 
yelling could be heard deep into the night .   The old 
man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up 
and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for 
the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him .   The old man liked the fact that 
he was feared .   Then one evening, he died when he was 
98 .   After the burial,  her neighbors, concerned for her 
safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be 
able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the 
rest of your life?"

The wife said,  " Let him dig  .   I had him buried upside 
down . . . and I know he won't ask for directions . "

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Hunting Trip ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style


It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, 
woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season.

He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, 
and to his surprise he finds his wife, Erin, sitting there, 
fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Erin smiles, "I'm going hunting with you! 
The kids are with their granddad."

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, 
reluctantly decides,to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve 
just outside of Malta, Montana.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand 
and tells her "If you see a deer, take careful aim on 
it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.

He walks away with a smile on his face knowing that 
Erin couldn't  bag an elephant - much less a deer.Not 
10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an 
array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As he gets closer to 
her stand, he hears Erin screaming, 
"Get the hell away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his
 screaming wife,and again he hears her yell, 
"Get the hell away from my deer!" 
followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, 
Jake is surprised to see a Montana game warden 
with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, 
"Okay, lady! You can have your deer! 
Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Thanks Mr. Trailbee!





Other Hunting Rule 5 ers:
 
Average Bubba     

Friday, October 24, 2014

Thursday, October 23, 2014

The Wager

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to
each other on a long flight.
 
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb 
that he could put one over on them easily.
 
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to 
play a fun game.
 
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, 
so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
 
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... 
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, 
you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't 
know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says.
 
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the 
lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
 
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance 
from the Earth to the Moon?"
 
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, 
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
 
Now, it's the senior's turn.  He asks the lawyer, "What goes 
up a hill with three legs, and come down with four?"
 
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references 
he could find on the Net.
 
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows;
all to no avail.  After an hour of searching,
he finally gives up.
 
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. 
The senior pockets the $500 and goes back to sleep.
 
The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer.  
He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up 
a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
 
The senior reaches into his pocket, 
hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep

Thank You Mr. Trailbee

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Field Trip


Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 
1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse.  When 
it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was 
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the 
boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the 
men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her 
that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, 
she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and 
began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and 
shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he 
was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the 
teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, 
but I really appreciate your help.'

Thanks Dan!