Friday, April 26, 2013

It's Been Too Long ~ The WalMartians Are Back III

 He's a hit at parties ... or ho houses.
 Where the hell is that ... by cracky.
 Let me guess the outfit ... Is she kissing herself where
a flying dog has been.
 Let me guess, it's California and wonderland has
just lost their Alice's.
Clean up on aisle 5.

I was at one of Reno's 5 (yes five) Walmarts yesterday and
didn't see anything like these. 

Capture the fun at (LINK)

Thursday, April 25, 2013

It's Been Too Long ~ The WalMartians Are Back II

 The daughter's shorts don't fit Mom.
 I'll bet you do lady .... um Sir.
 Sometimes you just don't feel like yourself.
 Go Grampa ... Grampas unite !
Have you seen Mable?

Yup, there's a site ... (LINK)

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Hillbilly Bar

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and 
orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look 
up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to 
see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around 
here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the 
hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, 
I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. 
He's one of us."

Thanks David !

Monday, April 22, 2013

It's Been Too Long ~ The WalMartians Are Back

 Doode, you're great, now step back a bit.
 Did the fire sprinklers go on and I didn't notice?
 Class means something else at Walmart.
 See, I was right. It does mean something else. Now kick that little piece of crap across the store.
Yeah, he be cool . . .

I went to the source this time (LINK)

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Advice to an Old Guy ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

An old guy was working out in the gym 
when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was near-by, 
"What machine in here should I use to 
impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said,
"I would try the ATM in the lobby."

Thanks David !

Other Rule 5 ers:

Friday, April 19, 2013

16 Police Officers Comments

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. 
The comments were taken off actual police car videos 
around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the 
one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. 
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your 
birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? 
Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be 
chasing you."(LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I 
guess that means I can write anything I want to 
on the ticket, huh?"(MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but 
I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm 
the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning 
you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine 
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat 
or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place 
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn 
dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my 
wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but 
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal 
friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? 

You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Thursday, April 18, 2013

NewsBusted 4/17/13 ~

Jodi is back with good news ... She carries on.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Teacher's Comments

These are actual comments made on students' report 
cards by teachers in the New York City public school 
system. All teachers were reprimanded.

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom 
and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 
(my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently 
fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to 
hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, you should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train 
isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered 
twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child 
beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

I Don't know where Jodi is, so enjoy this.

This is me in my later years.

Thanks David for reminding me.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Off Color Monday ... I'm Being Bad

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma:

Free PORK.
12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:

'Are you in?'
13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:

'Honey, I'm home!'

I'm an equal opportunity insulter ... Thanks David !

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Who is Woodsterman ?

I guess I just have too much time on my hands.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Happy Caturday

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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Mexican Hurricane

A Category 5 hurricane hits MEXICO. Two million 
Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The 
country is totally ruined and the government doesn't 
know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
CANADA is sending troops to help the Mexican army 
control the riots.
SAUDI ARABIA is sending oil.

Other LATIN AMERICAN countries are sending supplies.
The EUROPEAN community (except FRANCE ) is sending 
food and money.
The UNITED STATES, not to be outdone, is sending 
two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.


Thanks David !

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Elk Sex

Two New Hampshirites are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend,

"and I just joined the Knights of Columbus !"

Thanks David !

Monday, April 8, 2013