Monday, June 30, 2014

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, 
to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of  America's enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically  water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'   This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:  have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.  
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..  
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this , but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.  
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in  Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
          And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Thank You so much Trailbee. You made our day!

Friday, June 27, 2014

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Wednesday Odds and Ends ~OR~ Cleaning Up the Desktop

Side note: Is North Dakota responsible for the other 50% ?

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Those Amazing Holes . . .

These holes are not only amazing, but some are really 
terrifying! The sheer scale of these holes reminds you 
of just how tiny we are.

Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa
 Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the 
world, this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of 
diamonds before being closed.

Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California
 A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and 
water needs to be drained from the reservoir. 
It is the largest spillway of this type in the world and 
consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.

Great Blue Hole, Belize
 This incredible geographical phenomenon known as 
a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of 
Belize . There are numerous blue holes around the world, 
but none as stunning as this one.

Sinkhole in Guatemala
 These photos are of a sinkhole that occurred in Guatemala. 
The hole swallowed 2 dozen homes and killed at least 3 people.

SHIT HOLE, Washington D.C.
This hole swallows trillions and trillions of 
U.S. Dollars annually!
The money that falls into this hole is never
 heard from again, nor do we see any good come from it.

It is reported to be filled with thousands of "ass holes."


Thanks Dan!

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Did I Have Fun Last Night? ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

Unable to walk last night after celebrating getting my
Paul Revere Award I had to be helped to my room at
The Grand Sierra Resort in Reno. Who'd a thought 
the Reno Gazette-Journal would have a reporter at 
this year's gala event. If I didn't know better I'd say
Proof and Curmudgeon set this up. Well, come to find
out the officer was one of the Village People making
a move on old Woodsterman. Boom Boom Room indeed.
Here's the whole group. We had a great time ... I think. 
Here we are caught having fun around town.

 Actually, I would like to thank Curmudgeon For the great
Newspaper article spoof ... I think it was a spoof. Curmudgeon
did last years Tux fun too. 
Other Award winning want-to-be Rule 5 ers:

Friday, June 20, 2014

Ralphy III


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 
'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. 
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 
'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, 
you're thinking of a blowjob.'

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Woodsterman Recognized as the Best . . . Again!

Above was last years gala event for the 
Paul Revere Awards given by one of the
greatest minds of our time. Yes, Curmudgeon
at Political Clown Parade, Shows unusually
good sense in giving this award to the
staff here at Woodsterman.

Honestly, thank you  ... Now let the
fun begin!
There it is, ain't it a beauty.
The lady that delivers my mail heard about the award
and got the ball rolling in Washington. Yes, there will
be a stamp in my honor.
Here is our art department designing the stamp.
And here is more fan out pouring. 
I love you too Baby.
Hey! Who the F*** let him in here?

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Ralphy II


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

NewsBusted 6/17/14 ~

My New Pool

~ Affordable Senior Living ~

~ Fart and you've got a jacuzzi ~

Thank You Trailbee

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Ah Dads . . . . Woodsterman Style

Happy Father's Day Dudes !

Happy Redneck Father's Day Y'all !

Friday, June 13, 2014

Oh Ralphy . . .


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a 
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' 

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly 
away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, 
but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 
'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled 
down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 
'The correct answer is 'the one with the 
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
 Happy Friday the 13th.

Thanks Dan!

NewsBusted 6/13/14 ~

Thursday, June 12, 2014