Thursday, April 30, 2015

Trust . . . .

Things that I trust more than Hillary Clinton:

Mexican tap water

A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign

OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection

Charlie Manson sleep walking

An elevator ride with Ray Rice

Michael Jackson's Doctor

A Palestinian on a motorcycle

Gas station Sushi

A Jimmy Carter economic plan

Brian Williams news reports

Loch Ness monster sightings

Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton

Bill Clinton being responsible for White House interns

A night with the Boston Strangler

Thanks Hal

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

A Heart Warming Story . . . .

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Thank You Amanda K Donovan From Facebook

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Let's Go To Wally-World, Shall We

 Hey! You staring at dat ass? Just because it looks like
 someone threw paint on her personal seismograph 
doesn’t mean you get to look. That’s his ass and he
 wants you to know it. Back off son.
 Sweet baby Jesus. What. The Shit. Is That? Bruce Jenner 
makes a better looking lady and he just started last month! 
Whatever, my penis is officially retired. Hanging up the 
jersey, it’s over. He doesn’t wanna play no mo’ 
and that’s on you lady.
 Wow. The Verizon “Can you hear me now” guy was 
much nicer about it than you are and look how popular 
he got. Who was having that much trouble seeing 
you that it drove you to this vulgarity?
 The line between MILF and embarrassing is a very thin one. 
The key ladies is to stay classy not groupie trashy.
I don’t see what’s weird with this picture at all. 
That’s just my Proctologist shopping for DVDs at Walmart.

 This guy looks like he played a mean jazz saxaphone…
but on Sesame Street.

Thank You People of Walmart (LINK)

Monday, April 27, 2015

Awww Monday ~ Woodsterman Style

Photography is patience and timing.

Thanks Hal 

Sunday, April 26, 2015


You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at 
     the dinner table;  in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and 
    down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have 

    the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league 

    bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their 
    rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 
    'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perpignan is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner 

      are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded;  

      right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more 

      teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get 

      a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because 

      there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means 

      getting your wife drunk.

And in closing....

Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park,  were sitting 

around talking one afternoon over a cold beer, after getting 
off work at the local chicken processing plant.

After a while,  the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was 

to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your 
wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and 
had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, 

scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard 
about the question.  Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know 
about kin, but it would make us even!"

Thanks Hal

Friday, April 24, 2015

Campaign Headquarters

Could this be the campaign manager work'n the phone
for Killary's next meet up with the little people...


Thanks David

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Gender Specific Driving Etiquette

A woman is driving at night on a narrow country road.   
At the same time, a man is driving in the opposite 
direction on that same road. 

When they narrowly pass each other at high speed, 
the woman rolls down her window and loudly shouts 


Immediately the man shouts back


The man laughs.   

He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting 

woman and takes the next turn in the road,  

maintaining his speed.

Moral of the story:

Men never listen and, when they do, 
they don't understand one word a woman says.

Thanks Hal

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

On The Campaign Trail

Could it be the campaign manager work'n the phone
for Killary's next meet up with the little people...

Thanks Brighid (LINK)

That's Right, My liberal Apple Computer 
calendar just reminded me:
(What a bunch of CRAP!) 

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Tribute Band

Went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at 
a Mosque. They were called "Bomb Jovi".

Brilliant songs like “Losing my head over you,” 
“Rocket Launcher Man,” “You’re 6, You’re 
beautiful, and you’re mine.”

Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" 
almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim guy started bragging about 
how he had the entire Koran on DVD. 
I was interested so I asked him,

"Can you burn me a copy?"

Well that was when the trouble started . . . 
those pricks have no sense of humor!
Thanks Hal

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Complete Vs. Finished

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the
difference between "complete" and "finished." 
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in 
London, and attended by some of the best
linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, 
a Guyanese linguist, was the
presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

         The question put to him by a colleague in the audience was
this: Some say there is no difference between 
complete and finished. Please
explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

         Mr. Balgobins response:  When you marry the 
right woman, you are complete. If you marry the wrong 
woman, you are finished. And, if
the right one catches you with the wrong one, 
you are "Completely finished".

         His answer received a five minute standing ovation

Thanks Hal

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Heaven ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

God visited a woman and told her she must give 
up smoking, drinking and
sex if she want​ed​ to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later 
to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up 
smoking and drinking but then I
bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend
caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt,
pulled my panties to one side and made
 love to me right then and there."

They don't like that in heaven, said God.

The woman replied: "They're not too 
happy about it in Costco either!

Other Heavenly Rule 5 ers:

Friday, April 17, 2015

Let's Have Fun At Hillary's Expense ... Shall We

These were mostly stolen from my Facebook friends.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

My Good Luck

I won a Nigerian lottery according to 
an email from a Nigerian prince.

He holds the sum of ONE MILLION DOLLARS 
in my name and he wants to send it to me FREE!
All I have to do is give him my bank account 
numbers and send him $500.00 US dollars cash, 
to show my good faith so he can transfer the money!


And then I got ANOTHER email.

It's from a KENYAN prince who wants to 
give me FREE healthcare for life!

All I have to do is give him:
and pay $700 per month for a policy with only a $10,000 deductible.
Then he can make it happen!

Am I on a roll or what !!!!

Thanks Dan!

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Brett Favre's Wife . . . A Logic Lesson!

In a news conference, Deanna Favre announced she 
will be the starting Quarterback for the Green Bay 
Packers football team next season.
Deanna asserts that she is qualified to be the starting 
QB because she had spent 16 years married to Brett 
while he played QB for the Packers - even though 
she has actually never played football at any level 
from grade school up, never ran the offense of any 
team, nor ever played the game.

 During this period of time, she became familiar with 
the definition of a corner blitz, the nickel package, 
man-to-man coverage, so she is now completely 
comfortable with all the other terminology involving 
the Packers offense. A survey of Packers fans shows 
50% of those polled supported the move.

Does this sound idiotic and unbelievable ... 
or familiar to you?

Hillary Clinton   makes the same claims as to why 
she is qualified to be the President of the United States 
and 50% of Democrats polled agree.
She has never run a city, county, or state during her 
"career" as being Bill Clinton's wife. When told Hillary 
Clinton has experience because she has 8 years in the 
White House, my immediate thought was, "So does 
the pastry chef, and the person who picks up 
dog shit from the White House Lawn".

When it comes to running the State Department, 
her biggest achievement was getting a US Ambassador 
and 3 other Americans killed, by pretending terrorism 
had been defeated.....Her words still echo...
"what difference does it make?"

Comment: At least Deanna Favre is pretty !
Thanks Dan

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

In Honor Of The Hillary Announcement "Whoo effing Rah"

I can't wait for the endless Pretty Turd in Pink Interviews.

Monday, April 13, 2015


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. 

Show this to everyone you can remember right now!

And remember, never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same day

Thanks Hal