Sunday, May 19, 2019

Saturday, May 18, 2019

The Blonde ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

Other Blonde Loving Rule 5 ers:

Friday, May 17, 2019

Odds And Ends


1) You can't count your hair. 

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap. 

3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
(Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can 
still breathe, you fool.)


Ten (10) Things I know about you. 

1) You are reading this.  

2) You are human. 

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without
separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it. You are an idiot!  

6) You are laughing at yourself.  

7) You have a smile on your face and
you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5!!

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving
person and everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this
to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be
alone in the idiot category.
"Do not regret growing older.
It is a privilege denied to many."


If you're a senior you will understand this one.
If you deal with seniors, this should help you
understand them a little better,
and if you are not a senior yet,
some day you probably will be.

The 2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant
where the  'seniors special' was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs. '
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're
ordering a la carte,'  the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?'  
my wife asked incredulously.  
'Yes,' stated the waitress.  
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said. 

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.  
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. 
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. 

We've been around the block more than once.

Thanks David

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Smart Ass Answers


It was mealtime during an airline flight.  
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John.  
'What are my choices?' John asked.  
'Yes or no,' she replied.   



A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets. As a man approached,
she extended her hand for the ticket and
he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'



A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store but she couldn't find one
big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy,
' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


The police officer got out of his car as the kid
who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' 
When the cop finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



A truck driver was driving along on the freeway
and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it,
the bridge is right in front of him and his truck
gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says,
'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says,
'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'



A college teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you
not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a
serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family,
but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room
raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled
knowingly at the student, shook her head
and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand.'

Thanks David

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Sunday, May 12, 2019

The Democrat Huddle

Thanks Russell


Saturday, May 11, 2019

The Painter ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Thanks Alex

Other Rule 5 ers That Love Blonde Painters:

Friday, May 10, 2019

Smoke Break . . . .

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

Thanks Shitz N Giggles

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

Every Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading on her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

Thanks Jim

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

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