Saturday, November 6, 2010

Dedicated To Supi of Texas

WEST TEXAS   Chili Cook-off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, 
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. 
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a 
chili cook-off in West Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in West Texas , you know how true this is. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native West Texans ) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event: 

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These West Texans are crazy.

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. 

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid Sally, pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer. 

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them... 

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach..

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report

Thanks Dan ...


Supi said...

It wasn't spicy. Thanks Odie.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Supi, I thought you would appreciate a non-Texans story.

Christopher - Conservative Perspective said...

"I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone",,,LMAO!

Odie, This had me in tears of laughter! Thanks!

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Christopher, I had the very same reaction.

Pierro said...

LOL chili is not yummy. Mom does not like it at all, she would have probably had the same trouble as judge #3
The farting part made us laff a lot


Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Pierro, Loud farting bonks back at you.

Amusing Bunni said...

I'm not much of a spicy chili fan myself!
This was really funny. I can't believe all the hot sauce people put on stuff, you can't taste the food that way.

I like a nice turkey chile, or a veggie one.
Once in a while I make my own, then it is not icky.
Enjoy the weekend, Odie.
I have a stomach ache just reading about poor judge #3

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Judge #3 to Bunni ... I wish I'd tasted Chicago Chili.

stopsign said...

Can't stop laughing...Think I need air and a beer...Love it! Thanks for posting

Euripides said...

Not sure if I've ever found chili too hot but I did shoot beer through my nose reading it.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Stopsign, This story does leave one thirsty for beer doesn't it?

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Euripides, I guess Arizona does have its share of hot chili too. But at least where I leave we can hold our beer and not do nose shooters.

Starsplash said...

Highly hilarious. Snow cones.....for TP. Loved it.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Starsplash, always take snow cones to Texas.

The Conservative Lady said...

I like spicy chili, but never hot enough to need a snow cone.
Now I'm off to read the follow up post.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Odie!

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Thank You Ma Lady ! I want the beer stand at the next chili cook off.

sig94 said...

I saw this about two years ago and almost p**d myself. Still had tears after reading this again. Whatta classic!

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Thanks sig94, I have to agree.