Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Best of '14

The Best Smart-Ass Answers of 2014!!


It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant 
asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate 
to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her 
hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and 
flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need 
to see your ticket, not your stub.'


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the 
grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for 
her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys 
get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'


The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was 
stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been 
waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on 
his way without a ticket.


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and 
noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before 
he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his 
truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car 
and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips 
and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge 
and I ran out of gas.'


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here 
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal 
injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, 
no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and 
asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering 
from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When 
silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, 
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to 
write the exam with your other hand.'


A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. 
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to 
pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Thank You Mr. Trailbee!


LL said...

'Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

-- Who has the guts to say that?

Robert Fowler said...

Not me. I'd like to live past 60.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

LL, I haven't the foggiest, but it wouldn't be me.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Robert, wise choice.

Sandee said...

Yep, that last one should have never been uttered. The rest of them are hilarious.

Have a fabulous day Odie. ☺

cube said...

LOL. I was a bit of a wiseass during my misspent youth, but I've grown wiser over the years & have learned to bite my tongue on occasion. I'm waiting for my senior years so I may unleash my inner wiseass.

edutcher said...

I'd say #5 was the best, but the best was very good.

PS Where do we send the flowers for the extra?

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Sandee, I'm still in pain.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Cube, innerwiseass is fun, and comes easily with age.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

edutcher, my hospital room is #348