Thursday, May 11, 2017

Getting Old In Florida




Two elderly ladies are sitting on a front porch in Punta Gorda.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Cape Coral reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands,
the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also,
and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying,
but I remember the guy you're talking about.

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A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

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Two elderly people living in Fort Myers, he was a widower and she a widow,
had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her
and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage,
he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.'
'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

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A man was telling his neighbor in Port Charlotte, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Bonita Springs ,
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
 
Thanks Dan

8 comments:

Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha. I can't wait.

Have a fabulous day, Odie. ☺

Adrienne said...

Crushed nuts? BwaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaa!

edutcher said...

That third one is for real

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Sandee, getting old or going to Florida?

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Adrienne, no hemorrhoids.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

edutcher, could happen.

Brig said...

I like the first two... and I want to be like them when I get old...

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Brig, Surf's Up!