Old Ain't For Sissies

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." 
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" 
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." 
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. 
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. 
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." 
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............ 
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."





During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes...........just stick out your tongue!"





Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded".

The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians".

The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.

The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable".





My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote on my Facebook account

“I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to click "Like".



When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never go to sleep angry."
"That’s a great philosophy," I noted.
"Yes. And the longest we’ve been awake so far is five days."



While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband’s deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you."
"Shh, not now," she replies.
"But I need to tell you: I cheated on you," he admits.
"Yes, I know," she replies.
"I need to clear my conscience before I die… "

"Shh," she counters. "Just lie back and let the poison work."

Thanks Jim