Tuesday, May 24, 2016

A Letter From Ma




Dearest Redneck Son,

          I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.  We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you the address because the last Ozark family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
          This place is really nice.  It even has a washing machine.  I'm not sure about it.  I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.  We haven't seen them since.
          The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
          About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
          Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.  We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
          Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.  The baby looks just like your brother.
          Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week.  Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.  We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
          Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam to safety.  Your other two friends were in the back.  They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
          There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
    
 Your Favorite Aunt,
      Ma


 Bless You Hal, for have dun gived!

15 comments:

Fredd said...

Ha, them rednecks, they so dum, they take a car door out to the desert wif them, so that wen it gets hot, they kin roll down the window.

They so dum, wen they go out to the desert, they take wif them a piece of sandpaper; so they kin use it for a map.

Adrienne said...

Not even sure where to start with such a positive and brilliant missive. Auntie Ma is sure one smart cookie.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Fredd, thanks! Those are two great ideas.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Adrienne, damn tootin!

Sandee said...

I love rednecks Odie. They are awesome folks.

Have a fabulous day. ☺

Brighid said...

I don't even know where to start with this one...

GruntOfMonteCristo said...

I have a strange feeling that the Clinton's neighbors in Chappaqua would laugh their asses off over this. They probably see this every day! Thanks Hal and Odie!

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Sandee, especially these two.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Brighid, but could you get past the first sentence without laughing?

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Grunt, you should of seen the banter betwixt Hal and me on this one. I was crying after the first sentence.

GruntOfMonteCristo said...

Odie - I belive you!

Euripides said...

Of course on the one day that I have time to drop by you post something making fun of my family.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Grunt, Glad you belive!

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Euripides, I've always been an equal opportunity offender.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Debra! Do you see and ads on this blog you piece of crap SPAMMER? Stay out of here!