Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Just the Other Day . . . .



 The electric fence and the lawnmower..


We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone..The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”....How very thoughtful of her.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time.......stood........still..........

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

Yesterday changed my life.

I now have a newfound respect for things.

I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.


Thanks Joan

30 comments:

  1. Daaayumm, I've had a few Moments with fences. Only one was a really good one. The barn was Waaay over there but you could hear that fence hum when it cycled. Grampa said Don't grab That wire,so to get through the fence I grabbed the one above it. And pushed down too far. I only remember getting up and going to get my hat.
    Are you going to get a red flag for the plug?

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    1. Justin_O_Guy, I'm the kind of guy would put a secret switch, that turns off the outlet, in a cabinet hidden.

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  2. Sounds like electrocution is a cheap replacement for Viagra.

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  3. Replies
    1. Wrekreation, you're welcome. That's what we do here.

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  4. Oh My Goodness!
    I haven't laughed so hard in a long, long time.
    Thank you so much for the joy you continually bring to this page for all of us to savor.

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    Replies
    1. Graceia, Thank you! Your reaction is exactly why I do it.

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  5. One of the more entertaining and funny short stories I've read in a while. Well done

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  6. Damn! Great story!! Back in the day I jumped off the back of a truck and as the guys around me were hollering "NO!!", I landed belly first across the wire....only to be thrown back onto the back of the truck! My stomach hurt the entire time I read this story.

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    Replies
    1. clayusmcret, I was around that stuff all my working career. I know what you mean.

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  7. I would think he would triple check to be sure his wife knows not to plug it in!

    Thanks, Odie. God bless.

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  8. been a ham since I was 12 and built most of my own stuff; done similar more times than I care to remember building kilowatt xmitters.
    I, too, believe in an apple a day, but I hope ur not gonna be a starker and get a checkout at the cardiologist.

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    Replies
    1. boron, Sparky's my name and electricity's my game.

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  9. A Darwin Award Winner from around here someplace...

    He worked in pig farming, and noticed that they used an electrical stimulator on the prostate glands of breeding boars to enhance the harvest for IV fertilisation.

    The clever fellow took the apparatus home and hooked it up to himself during his own private harvest, thinking it might be a thrill. He died. The medics that recovered the body agreed the device had worked as designed...

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  10. That ranks right up there with the review of a 5lb bag of sugar free gummy bears

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    Replies
    1. oninoqb, I had tears in my eyes when I read it the first time. It's a real keeper.

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    2. Guess I'm going to have to go back through the site to find this one.

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    3. clayusmcret, I didn't realize he was speaking of a real story. I was referring to this story.

      HERE: https://slightlyviral.com/beware-sugarless-gummy-bears-on-amazon-com/

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  11. That’s funnier than the time my dog decided to heist a leg just as the fence charger cycled on. He walked around kinda hump backed fro the rest of the day.

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  12. I'm a dairy farmer, been reading you for quite a while. I've got two of the exact fencers in the story. Believe me if you get hit by the damned thing you sequel like a stuck pig, then try to get your heart back beating regularly.
    Your knees literally hurt and your legs do shake a bit. Them mothers do have a kick. and I laughed all the way through the story even though i kinda knew where it was going, but the descriptions are hilarious

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    Replies
    1. the Egyptian, Thanks, and watch out for them things.

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  13. One of the funniest things I've read in ages! When I was a "yangster", we'd always get a charge getting yankee cousins to "wash" the ants off the electric fence wire when they had to take a leak!

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  14. ODIE...GREAT! thanks for the best laugh I've had in awhile, to start my day! DAMN! THANKS JOAN!

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Put it here ... I can't wait to read it. I have the Captcha turned OFF but blogger insists it be there. You should be able to bypass it.