Ray Stevens - Throw the Bums Out

NewsBusters.org - NewsBusted 3/30/10

Senator Harry Reid Buys a Car

Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington, D.C. with the
intention of buying a brand new vehicle. Harry looks around and finds one he likes. After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000.

Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the
paperwork. Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line.

The salesman shakes Harry's hand and says, "Thanks Senator Reid,
the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years."

Harry says, "What are you talking about? Where are the keys to my
new car?"

The salesman replies, "No, you don't understand Senator. You 
make payments for 4 years... THEN we give you the car. You know, just
like your health plan".

Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, "But that's not
fair".
 

And I say without any doubt or embarrassment: Tough S...
And on top of that, Harry's going to be sorry he got the car after four 
years!

Dennis Miller Rips Harry Reid a new one.

Obama Voters ....

This has been around, but it will remind you

of why so many NEED the big babysitter in

Washington. These people need ObamaCare

because they are incapable of finding their

own doctor's office.

Don't Forget Earth Hour ...

I'm celebrating by turning ALL my lights on 

and running my power tools in the shop ...

stupid Libs.

Ted Nugent's Interview

Even if you don't care about hunting, Gotta Love Ted!

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being

interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The

discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head

of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you the Hunter that killed

my friend?' or is it 'Are you the Hunter that who killed my brother?

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they

care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,

and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the

Democrats in Congress.'

The interview ended.

Heidi The Football ?

NewsBusters.org - NewsBusted 3/26/10

Proposal For a New Amendment

Congress shall pass no law that they are

not subject to, retroactive back to the 

First Congress.

About Amnesty ... Because You Need To Hear It

I THEE OBAMA ... "What Change Looks Like"

Hat Tip to the artist Dale at Out of Order the Blog

Let The Gipper Cheer You Up ...

Just For Fun .....

NewsBusters.org - NewsBusted 3/23/10

Witch of D.C.

PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of 

the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination 

room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.  An older 

doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told 

him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in

another room. 

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the

young doctor was writing on his clipboard.  "What's the matter with 

you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has

four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she 

was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking

up said,  "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Our Secret Weapon

This ought to scare the hell out of the jihadists.

A Woman

A woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.  
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
" Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."Which word?" the woman asked. "Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. " I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer!  How do I get in?"     
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.




"Which word?" her husband asked.  
" Czechoslovakia ."

For Our British Friends

This is why the Queen needs to live for ever.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- 

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.  

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. 

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

 You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

 Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.  

Same work, more pay.

 Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time. 

 Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

 If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

 Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public. 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.  

Everything on your face stays its original color. 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
 

No wonder men are happier.

Hat Tip to Allison at A Daily Laugh

Opening jar tip below

Ladies, Open Your Own Jars ...

Here is a trick I learned 35 years ago:

Here is a jar and a tool you can use.

Do you know what holds that lid so

tightly? It's the vacuum ladies, it's

the vacuum. If you let air into the

jar before you attempt to open it, 

it opens like a breeze.

 Tool used and jar to be opened.

Find the part of the lid that has a void

underneath. Get under it with the bottle

opener and gently pry up with your 

other hand on the lid. When you allow

the air to enter, you'll feel the lid middle

rise. That means there is no longer a

vacuum. At this time you should be 

able to easily twist off the lid.

This is another method, but be careful not

to bend the lid edge. You can also use a

standard silverware knife or a screwdriver.

Just put them under as before and twist. 

What ever method you use, remember you

are prying against glass. So please be

careful. I hope this helps ladies.

NewsBusters.org - NewsBusted 3/19/10

Huge Drug Bust

Largest Drug Bust In U.S. History...

A News Report Stated That Police Have Raided 

A House And Discovered A Room Containing 

2 Tons Of Crack !

Well, if that didn't ruin your day, I don't know what would? 

Good Question

Red Green and the Ladder Robot

I'm a Lumberjack

Dead Parrot

NewsBusters.org - NewsBusted 3/16/10

Finally Something We Can Use ...

First came the commemorative coins,

Then the T-shirts, and then the plates.

Now, something for the rest of us... 

 

Use Caution...it will irritate your ass!

How Old Are You ?

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are..'   

The old man said, 'There is no way you
can guess it, you old fools.'

 One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. 

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they
all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'  

Seat Belts and Door Locks ...

Really ... More Bumper Stickers ? #4

It's A Painted on Mustache ... OK Guys ...

Vasectomy Under Obamacare

Maxine Says

 As always Maxine hits the nail on the head.

Let me get this straight.....

We're seriously considering “ramming through” a

Healthcare Plan
that will put the government in charge of our health ... 
Written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,
Passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it,
to be signed by a president who smokes cigarettes and also hasn't read it,
with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,

to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,
and financed by a country that's nearly broke.

What could possibly go wrong?

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON!   WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

 

OUTSTANDING!

 

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

 

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.  I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.  Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms.  We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

 

Here is a model separation agreement:

 

Our two groups can equitably divide up this country by landmass each taking a portion.  That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.  After that, it should be relatively easy!  Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

 

We don't like re-distributive taxes so you can keep them.  You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.  Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.  You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell.  (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

 

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.  You can have your beloved  homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens.  We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.  We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood . 

 

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.  You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.

 When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

 

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.  You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain.  You can also have the U.N, but we will no longer be paying the bill. 

 

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars.  You can take every Volkswagen you can find. 

 

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem.  I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World. 

 

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot.  Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag. 

 

Would you agree to this?  If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete.  In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you  which one of us will need whose help in 15 years. 

 

 

Sincerely, 

 

John J. Wall

Law Student and an American 

 

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

Redneck Hedge Trimming

For the inspired engineers out there; Safety First! 

(And no safety belt visible)

I can't make stuff up that's better than this!

( Thanks DAN )

Doctors in a Pissing Contest ...

An Israeli doctor says, 

"Medicine in my country is so advanced 

that we can take a kidney out of one man, 

put it in another, and have him looking for 

work in six weeks."

 A German doctor says, 

"That is nothing; we can take a lung 

out of one person, put it in another, and 

have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says. 

"In my country, medicine is so advanced 

that we can take half a heart out of one 

person, put it in another, and have them 

both looking for work in two weeks."

  An ILLINOIS doctor, says.

 "You guys are way behind. 

We recently took a man with 

no brains out of ILLINOIS , 

put him in the White House 

and within SIX MONTHS, 

half the COUNTRY is looking for work."

Hat/Tip to Andrew33 @ The K.O.O.K's Manifesto

Where Can I Get One Of These ?

Game Boy Girl

(Thanks DAN)

My New Truck

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States Barack Hussein Obama and played “Hail to the Chief’

Damn I love this truck...

The Season's Over ... But Hey

Really ... More Bumper Stickers ? #3

Authors Note ... I've heard callers to radio shows

voice their objection to some Republicans. They

want to form a third party come election time.

Do your best to change the party within, and drop

the idea of a third party. You'll only split the vote

giving the Dems an easy ticket to Washington.

What's That Noise ?

A Comment Left At Jim McMahon's Blog

Here is a comment left at Jim McMahon's blog by a very angry Liberal.

I'm posting it here, in its entirety, with Jim's permission. This guy is

so full of hate. I'm also putting a link back to Jim's post here.

H.T. / JIM McMAHON - CHICAGO

Comment as follows :

John King said... Never been to your site before. I thought you were maybe Jim McMahon, former Bears quarterback. Wow, what a disappointment. My thoughts on you and your sad little diatribes here:

1) You are a real asshole, and a complete fucking joke of a man. Your tough guy shtick is very much lost on me and probably anyone with half of a brain. Did you go to high school? Can you do arithmetic in your head? Patriot Guard? American Grand Jury? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking serious? Saturday Night Live couldn't make up shit that was more ridiculous. You guys actually get together and do stuff under these umbrellas? What a giant circle jerk for a bunch of reactive nutjobs. I hope you guys have a great time at your little jagoff meetings. Sounds like a lot of fun.

2) You are a disgrace to the fine City of Chicago, and the great United States of America.

3) Take your racist head and shove up all three generations of your doubtlessly horrid and equally racist family history. Oh right, you're not racist. You think anyone's buying that shit you're selling? Your racism is thinly veiled at best, and horribly atrocious at worst. With your name I am presuming you are Irish, like myself. Do you not realize that your own people were subjected to the same hatreds that you now project upon the President of our own country? Do you know what a mick is? A narrowback? A Paddy? That's you, pal. Just a hundred years removed. You'd think white people would get over their fear of black people at some point. Many or most have. You instead have decided to stockpile firearms and breathe hatred, the hatred of 400 years of oppression on our soil. You sad little man. Oh right, you're not racist. Sorry.

4) Barack Obama is a thousand times the man you ever wish you could be. I'm no huge Obama supporter, but give me a fucking break. You think you have anything to say about Barack Obama that matters? I wouldn't dare say half this shit that you say about a man clearly superior in intellect and accomplishment. How many classes you teach at University of fucking Chicago? How many political offices have you held? Have you ever even been to Washington DC? Oh wait - the NRA Christmas Cruise doesn't stop in DC anymore. For parity's sake, other similar men of equal note include John McCain and Mitt Romney. I am no partisan hack. I just respect men when they deserve it. You sir have no such respect and deserve the same lack of respect in return.

 

6) It is very frightening that you are a member of an organization so vital to the public health. I hope that your more deserving and certainly more human Fire Department colleagues don't decide to leave you behind in a burning building one day. I herald all things great about the City of Chicago, including our brave and valorous Fire Department. But even such a grand organization will contain losers, apparently. You are one such loser, sir. I feel sorry for you.

7) Keep on keeping on. "People" like you provide the entertainment I need to keep laughing through this wonderful life I have. Needless to say that life was given to me by my parents - and not by any god that you propose to believe in. You moron.


-John King, 29 years old
Chicago, IL
johnwking -AT- gmail -DOT- -COM-

Voting Democratic

I voted Democrat because:
I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

I voted Democrat because:
I believe the government will do a better job of
spending the money I earn than I would.

I voted Democrat because:
Freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.


I voted Democrat because:
When we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they are doing because they now think we are good people.

I voted Democrat because:
I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I voted Democrat because:
I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on
Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.
 
I voted Democrat because:
I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of unborn babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I voted Democrat because:
I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care,
education, and Social Security benefits.

I voted Democrat because:
I believe that business should not be allowed to make 
profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the democrats see fit.

I voted Democrat because:
I believe liberal judges need to rewrite The Constitution every few years to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

I voted Democrat because:
My head is so firmly planted up my rearend that it is unlikely I'll ever have another point of view. 

I voted Democrat because:
I value the words and ideals of Karl Marx and Saul Alinsky more than I do those of Thomas Jefferson and George Washington.

 

The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal. - Aristotle