Friday, May 31, 2024

The Younger Woman ~ Woodsterman Style



 After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.

The Maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house has been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.🙂


Sardonic Senior Wisdom ~ Skip Style

 


As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake. 

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand. 

Common sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it the most, never use it. 

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there. 

It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects. 

I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing:  It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore. . . .   I'm not going to let you hurt me again." My Trainer: "It was one sit-up.”

As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy.  The truth is, I’m just being more energy efficient.

I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.  I have new ideas.

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.  Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

She says I keep pushing her buttons.  If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it.  Are you kidding me?

Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.  The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.


Thanks Skip