Woodsterman

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red
light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding
toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the
Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH"
in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it
to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily,
and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to
know what it stands for.

The officer says,
"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving
record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his
license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the
red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his
signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an
"AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

~~~~
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client

~~~~

Thank You Brighid (LINK)

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Book Store ~OR~ PC Woodsterman Style

So, I was walking through the mall and saw

that there was a "Muslim Book Store."

I was wondering what exactly was in a

Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look,

the clerk stopped me and asked if he could

help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele,

so I asked, “Do have a copy of the U.S.

Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?”

The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one.

Do you have it in paperback?”

Thanks Dan

Monday, June 15, 2015

Awww Monday ~ Woodsterman Style VII

Photography is patience and timing.

Thanks Hal

Sunday, June 14, 2015

A Beauty In My Favorite Restaurant . . . .

I asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an

unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table

in my favorite cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....
and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds,
not looking at me, then decided to send a reply

to me by a note.The waiter, who was lingering

nearby for a response, took the note from her

and conveyed it to me.

*The note read:* 'For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank
and 7 inches in your pants......
After reading the note, I decided to compose one

of my own in return. I folded the note, handed it

to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

*It read:* Just to let you know things aren't always

what they appear to be:

I have a Ferrari Maranello,
a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a PorscheTurbo in

my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and

Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas .
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank

account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as

beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches.

Just send the f**king wine back.

Thanks Hal

Saturday, June 13, 2015

New Hooker ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

A new hooker just finished her first trick. When she
came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all
gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well, he was a big muscular, and handsome US Army soldier."

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She replied, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't
have that much. So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't
have that much either. Finally I said, well, how much do you have?" "The
Soldier said that he only had 25 bucks."

The new hooker told him, "Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand." He
agreed, and after getting the finances straight, she told the other hookers, "He
pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first, and
then the first hand above the second hand..." "Oh my God!" they all
exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.

Thanks Hal

Other John Rule 5 ers:

Proof Positive

Randy's Roundtable

Reaganite Republican

Guns and Bikinis

Maggie's Notebook

RULE 5 SITES
TOTUS

In a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
Adrienne's Corner
The Feral Irishman
Knuckledraggin My Life Away
Diogenes' Middle Finger
Ninety Miles From Tyranny
Doubletroubletwo
Angrymikes hood
MissK's World...
American Power
GOODSTUFF'S CYBER WORLD
A Nod To The Gods
Act Well Your Part
Subject to Change
Your Crazy Uncle Bubba
Political Clown Parade
The Last Tradition

Friday, June 12, 2015

Visit To The Doctor

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited
her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,
"you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that!," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the
morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and
when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and,
plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."

"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink,
and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!." she implored,
"I'm scared out of my wits!"

The Gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

(Ready for this!)

"You're simply going through the change!"

Thanks Dan

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Renewable Fuel Source . . . .

Thanks Dan

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Wednesday Word Play . . . .

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic.
It's syncing now.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper
spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

Thanks Hal