Sunday, December 17, 2017
Saturday, December 16, 2017
Friday, December 15, 2017
The Parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'And she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'
Thanks T-Bone
Thursday, December 14, 2017
Lexophile
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with
a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with
the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
Here are this year's winning submissions:
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
... The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
... A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's
all right now.
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And finally:
... Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the
end.
Thanks Dan
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Monday, December 11, 2017
Sunday, December 10, 2017
Saturday, December 9, 2017
Board of Directors ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style
All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another,
until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.
Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:
"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"
"Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"
"You'd swear to that...?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere…" insisted Ted.
"Good, then YOU fire her."
Other Members of the Board Rule 5 ers:
Friday, December 8, 2017
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