I Stole Jokes From The War Planner

Short Jokes:


One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went fishing!.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up!

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed.
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth."
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

Why is it whenever you see a slim blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film,
but when you see a big fat woman eating a banana you think of the discovery channel?

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk.
Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never coming back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said, “Not bad, I've been using that
powdered stuff."

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’
The girl said, ‘NO!’
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, 'I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But I can only grant one.'
The man thought for a while and finally said, 'I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see
all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, 'No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the pilars needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask.'
The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, 'Well, there is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick.'
The genie considered for a few moments and said, 'So, do you want two lanes or four?'

Stolen From The War Planner (LINK)