Sunday, September 3, 2017

Sunday Sermon ~ Woodsterman Style


A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
 

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
 

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
 

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

   

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

   
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

   
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

   
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

   
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

   
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

   
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

   
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

   
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

   
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

   
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

   
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

   
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

   
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


Thanks Hal

6 comments:

Adrienne said...

Good one, Odie.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Adrienne, Thank Youuuuuuu!

Sandee said...

He drank too much vodka, but he sure spiced up his sermon.

I linked this post to Silly Sunday.

Have a fabulous day, Odie. ☺

edutcher said...

And the Apostles were not his Merrie Men.

And Martha and Mary Magdalene were not the Babes in the 'Burbs.

But God still made the congregation to overflow the baskets.

He does have a sense of humor.

After all, He made us.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Sandee, he just wants to have fun. Thank You!

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

edutcher, good point!