Friday, June 30, 2017

Just Another Phunny Phryday


My buddy Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working
in the family business.


He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:

• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,

• to find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.


"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.


Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at estate planning than men…


 *********************

 Thanks Hal

Boys and Girls, I've been working my ass off and have been absent a lot lately. Our first show is this weekend, so I'm hoping things will level off a bit after. I had to get over being inventory challenged. I think I've made it.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Men Are Just Happier People



What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES

� If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

� If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

� When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.

MONEY

� A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

� A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

� A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

� The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

� A woman has the last word in any argument.

� Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

� A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

� A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

� A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

� A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

� A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

� A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

� Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

� Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

� Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

� A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


Thanks Hal

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Woodsterman ~ An Equal Opportunity Offender, Still


Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

A: The blonde, because she's 18.



Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

A: Because they have cotton balls.



Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

A: Are you sure it's mine?"



Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.



Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

A: Mace will do that to you.



Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.



Q: Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



Q: What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"



Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A: A different bar.



Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A: A speech impediment



Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with … "a recipe".



Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairy tale?

A: A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."



Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?
 

A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Thanks David

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Woodsterman ~ An Equal Opportunity Offender


Q: What is a Yankee?

A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

A: The position of the dirt bag.



Q: Why is divorce so expensive?

A: Because it's worth it.



Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

A: Doughnuts.



Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?

A: Because Janet Reno is her real father.



Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A: A golden retriever.



Q: What do attorneys use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.



Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

A: 45 lbs.



Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

A: 45 minutes.



Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?

A: They can't stand criticism.



Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,   caring, and good-looking?

A: Because those "MEN" already have boyfriends.



Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.



Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Thanks David

Monday, June 26, 2017

Awww Monday ~ Woodsterman Style ~ 108 ~


John Deere Tractor For Sale

Inventor of the Back-Up-Sensor
 

 

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Woodsterman Makes It Big ~ Hollywood Jealous ... Again


 Let's Par'tay!
 
Here's Woodsterman with this years Paul Revere Award and the first
Years Paul Revere Award. Thank you to all the little people for making 
this award possible. 
Seriously, Thank you all for nominating me and voting for
Woodsterman. And a SPECIAL thanks to Curmudgeon at
Political Clown Parade for doing all of this for the small
blogs.




 

Friday, June 23, 2017

Phunny Phryday


 Above is my Facebook friend Tom.
He's a professional photographer with a
great sense of humor.



Thanks Facebook Friends

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Sobriety In Question . . . .



A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a car key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's tool is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"

---------

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Amish Elevator


A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father 
were in a mall. They were amazed by almost 
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide 
back together again.

 The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
 
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
 'Son, I have never seen anything like this 
in my life, I don't know what it is.'
 While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
 a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls
 and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between
 them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
 They continued to watch until it reached the last number and
 then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
  Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous
 24-year-old blond stepped out.
 The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
 said quietly to his son.....
  'Go get your Mother'..........
 Dick, Thank You so much!
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