Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Monday, May 29, 2017

~ Memorial Day ~


Please join Woodsterman in thanking them who gave all.
 This Wall is Personal
 My best friend growing up is here
 Arlington Cemetery
 A Comrade 
 A Leader!
 A Survivor 
 The Unknown but not forgotten
 The Son Left Behind
The Honor Bestowed No One Wants

Thank You!

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Equal Opportunity offending



I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear Of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not Eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.' 

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the Wait. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope,You're still here'.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches Tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing By asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh Bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the Moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But Since nearly all of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon Sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter Speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth Closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could Look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, 'I'm Going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer In the fields and shouts to him, 'where am I?' The farmer looks back up and Shouts back, 'you're in a basket you dumb shit!'

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last Question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the Curliest hair?...Fiji was the correct answer...Hell, how did I know they Wanted the name of a country?

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly Found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct Answers.

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off Is a piece of cake.


Thanks Dick, who thought I probably would not post this. Silly Man! (I did change one ... Guess)

Friday, May 26, 2017

Lawyers Don't Lie.........Do They?


A Lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end on the home where he  lived. He was having a very difficult time in finding a new place to rent.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that his 12 children would destroy the Home.
 

He could not say that he had no children, because that would be a lie,  After all, everybody knows that lawyers cannot and would not purposely lie.
 

So, he had an idea…… he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of his 12 children.
 

He took the remaining one with him to look at several homes with the  real estate agent.
 

Finally, he found a home he really liked and the agent got the necessary paperwork out and asked:
“How many children do you have?”
He answered, “12 children, but only one is with me now.”
The agent asked “Where are the others?”
The lawyer answered, with a very sad look on his face, “They are in the cemetery with their Mother.”
 

And, that's how was able to rent a home for his Family without lying.
 

MORAL: It is not necessary to lie! One only has to  be creative and choose the right words.
Please remember this: Lawyers don't lie! They are  creative! And, don't forget this very important fact……Most politicians are lawyers!


Thanks David

Thursday, May 25, 2017

The AMA Weighs In


Subject: The American Medical Association's Reaction To Trump's Revised Obama Care

This is important medical information. Be sure to share with your medical professionals.

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health care package to replace Obama-care:

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Harrrrrmoooony!



Heading home this morning. All good things must
come to an end. Meanwhile, enjoy Noteworthy.
 

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

THE COW, THE ANT, AND THE OLD FART




A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating 
on who is the greatest of the three of them.
 
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk 
every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
 
The ant said, "I work day and night, 
summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my 
own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"







Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something.
 
Thanks David

Monday, May 22, 2017

Woodsterman Turns 8 Today






My First Post "Dangerous Butterfly" (LINK)

That Same Month "Chinese Recall" (LINK)

My First May Again "Viagra Workout" (LINK)

One of My Favorites "Girl Dancing" (LINK)


I was looking for a few more but couldn't find them. I knew not tagging these things would come around to bite me in the ass. 

The reason the older videos were so small is I uploaded them to Blogger instead of embedding them from YouTube. It was really a learning process back then.

Once again, THANK YOU!


 

Sunday, May 21, 2017

The Toast



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the local pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and said to his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what exactly was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is so very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on a street corner.  The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She responded, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."


Thanks David

Friday, May 19, 2017

The Accident



A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."


Thanks David

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

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