Sunday, April 30, 2017

Poor Conductor

There was once a poor conductor. His job was to collect the fares from people riding the train. This was many years ago and the fare was a nickel. And every day he would walk the length of the train collecting the fares from the travelers.
He then met a beautiful woman that he wanted to marry. But he was a poor conductor and really couldn't afford a wife. As he thought about it he decided to pocket every fifth nickel to help out. So it was that for a while he was taking every fifth nickel to help pay for his home and food.
Now as things like this progress his wife became pregnant. This threw our poor conductor into a tizzy. How could he afford to support a baby. His solution was to take an additional nickel so that he was taking two nickels out of every five. Things went along ok for a while but his wife became pregnant again. So our poor conductor decided to follow his pattern and now he was taking three nickels from every five.
At this point someone in management noticed that the revenues from the run were going down and after an investigation our poor conductor was arrested. He was tried in a court of law and found guilty of grand theft from the railroad. Now this was many years ago and the railroad held a great amount of power. They demanded his life for such and affront and giving in to the political pressure the judge sentenced our poor conductor to death.
The day of the execution came and the prison staff strapped him into the electric chair. At the appointed hour the warden give the order and the switch was thrown. Nothing happened. The prison staff checked to make sure that the connections were correct and the warden again give the order. The switch was thrown. Nothing happened. So a third time the staff checked to make sure that even the connections to the power lines were correct. Sure that all was in order the warden gave the order a third time. Again nothing happened. As the law at the time demanded our poor conductor was released having survived three attempts at execution. As he was leaving the prison the warden asked if he had any idea why he survived. The answer was "I guess I am just a poor conductor."
Thanks Dan

Friday, April 28, 2017

Political Memes From Facebook . . . .

What a bunch of nice friends at Facebook.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Tuesday, April 25, 2017


Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door.

I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you
to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with
myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I
hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen

Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.


Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor
dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink
and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had received
a subsequent message from his (now deceased) neighbor.


Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect
you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned
Autocorrect changed 'wi-fi' To 'wife'. Technology hey?

Regards, Alan.

Thanks Dick

Sunday, April 23, 2017


by Trey Preston.

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here…

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.And that’s when he shot her.

Thank You Russell

Friday, April 21, 2017

The Pearly Gates

The Pope dies, goes to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter welcomes him and asks if he has any requests.

"I'd really like to really understand the writings of the prophets and apostles."
the Pope says.

"Sure thing, Angel Thaddeus here will escort you to the Pearly Library, where all the originals are there, translated so you can read them," Peter replied.

Things go along well for a few days, then Angel Thaddeus approaches St. Peter and tells him, "We need you down at the Pearly Library. We seem to be having an issue with His Holiness."

 Pete goes down to the Library, and before he even gets there, he hears the Pope yelling, "There's an R! There's an R! All that time wasted for a stupid R!"

St. Peter approaches His Holiness and asks him what the problem is.

"There's an R!!"

"Yes, and...?" Peter asked.

"It says 'Celebrate!"

Thanks Brig (LINK) 

Thursday, April 20, 2017