Friday, April 28, 2017

Political Memes From Facebook . . . .












What a bunch of nice friends at Facebook.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

THE CONFESSION


Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door.

I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you
to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with
myself a moment longer without you knowing.



The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I
hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen
again.

Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.



THE ACTIONS

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor
dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink
and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had received
a subsequent message from his (now deceased) neighbor.

THE SECOND MESSAGE

Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect
you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned
Autocorrect changed 'wi-fi' To 'wife'. Technology hey?

Regards, Alan.


Thanks Dick
 

Sunday, April 23, 2017

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS . . . .



by Trey Preston.

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here…

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.And that’s when he shot her.


Thank You Russell

Friday, April 21, 2017

The Pearly Gates



The Pope dies, goes to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter welcomes him and asks if he has any requests.

"I'd really like to really understand the writings of the prophets and apostles."
the Pope says.

"Sure thing, Angel Thaddeus here will escort you to the Pearly Library, where all the originals are there, translated so you can read them," Peter replied.

Things go along well for a few days, then Angel Thaddeus approaches St. Peter and tells him, "We need you down at the Pearly Library. We seem to be having an issue with His Holiness."

 Pete goes down to the Library, and before he even gets there, he hears the Pope yelling, "There's an R! There's an R! All that time wasted for a stupid R!"

St. Peter approaches His Holiness and asks him what the problem is.

"There's an R!!"

"Yes, and...?" Peter asked.

"It says 'Celebrate!"


Thanks Brig (LINK) 

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Odds and Ends From Hal ... Bless Him


The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends 
on where they were born. Statistics just released from 
Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, 
revealing that:
 
North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, 
will on average, have sex two to three times per week, 
whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, 
will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very disturbing news to both me and 
most of my buddies at  the golf club,
as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.


************************************** 

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
 An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar!  Praise Allah!  Death to America!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!

Thanks Hal 

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Doctor, Doctor . . . .




A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black ?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart 
rate from worrying about histesticles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, 
holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent." 
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: 

"Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"

************************

HAPPY EASTER! 

Friday, April 14, 2017