Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Car Keys . . . .

After a meeting several days ago,
I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a
personal "TSA Pat Down." They weren't in my pockets.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.   
Mrs. Woodsterman has scolded me many
times for leaving my keys in the car's 
ignition. She's afraid that the car
could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I
realized she was right. The parking lot was empty. I
immediately called the police. I gave them my location,
confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it
had been stolen.   Then I made the most difficult
call of all to my wife: "I left my keys in the car
and it's been stolen."   There was a moment of silence. I
thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her
voice. "Are you kidding me?"  She barked, "I dropped you
off!"   Now it was my turn to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well,
come and get me."  She retorted, "I will, as
soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your
damn car!"   

Welcome to the golden years..............

Thanks Hal

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Mexican Eggs . . . .

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles
outside of Tucson , AZ. One of  the bike's tires
goes flat and they start
hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly  trucker stops to see if he can help and
the  Mexicans ask him for a  ride. He tells them
they can ride in the  trailer if they
could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.

They manage to squeeze  themselves and their bike into
the back and the driver shuts the  doors and gets on
his way. Wanting to make up time the
trucker speeds  up.

Sure enough a  blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.

The officer asks the  driver what he is carrying,
to  which the driver jokingly replies
"Mexican eggs."

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this
so she takes a look in the trailer.  She opens the back
door and shocked, quickly shuts it
and locks  it.

She calls for  immediate backup from headquarters, the
Border Patrol and the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so
many officers.

"I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs
in it... two have hatched and they've  already
stolen a bicycle."

Go ahead and hate me but do it
after you quit laughing......................

Thanks Hal

And for the ladies . . .

Other Cop Loving Rule 5 ers:

Friday, May 29, 2015

Hat in the Wind . . . .

Amazing how your values change as
you age!

An elderly lady was standing at the
railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow
away in the wind. A gentleman approached 
her and said, "Pardon me,
madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did
you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands to hold onto this

"But madam, you must know that
you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest. 

The woman looked 
down, then back up at the man and replied, 
"Sir, anything you see down
there is 75 years old. I bought this hat

Thanks Hal

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Pondering . . . .

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. 
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels 
and let the problem work itself out.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People 

move out of the way much faster now.
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her 

hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like 

their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when 

you really like someone? That's common sense 
leaving your body.
I don't like making plans for the day because then 

the word "premeditated" get's thrown around 
in the courtroom.
I didn't make it to the gym today. 

That makes five years in a row
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John 

and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying 
I went to the Jim this morning
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower 

curtains for murderers; if you find one, what's your plan?

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Chocolate Scare . . . .

We were raised on CADBURY'S chocolate as 
kids and even into adulthood


But I will never eat it again!!
I hope from now on you will throw yours 
away whenever you are given any.
It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
This is what happens when you eat Cadbury's chocolate!

It could happen to you, your family and friends!


Can cause

      SMALL FEET! 

    Warn everyone! 

Thanks Dan 

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Lost Churches of New York and New Jersey . . . .

When devastating hurricanes struck the east coast, 
even houses of worship were not spared.

A local television station interviewed a woman 
from New York's Harlem area and
asked how the loss of churches in the 
area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied, 
"I don't know 'bout all them
other peoples, but we ain't been to Church's in years. 
We gets our chicken from Popeye's."

Thanks Hal

Monday, May 25, 2015

Sunday, May 24, 2015

A Letter From Summer Camp . . . .

 Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Reposted From 5 years ago. Thanks Dan

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Church's Teachings ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

As I walked down a busy street, knowing I was 
late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, 
homeless vagabonds (you know, tattered clothing, 
long hair etc)that are found in every town these days.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked 
away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them...

Recalling my old parish priest, Father Mike, who 
always admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed 
the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by 
some powerful inner urge to reach out 
to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, 
carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, 
my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, 
I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, 
'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!'

So I did...

I won't be at Mass this week...

Thanks Dan

Other Religious Rule 5 ers:

Thursday, May 21, 2015

A Traveling Marine . . . .

On a crowded train, traveling somewhere in 
Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length 
of the train looking for a seat before realizing that 
the only seat available was currently occupied by 
a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that 
seat?" The French woman just sniffed, and said to 
no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. 
My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire length of the train 
again, and discovered that the only seat available 
was in fact the onecurrently being occupied by 
the poodle.

Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once 
more before the French woman and said, "Please 
Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?"

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, 
you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you 
are tired?" This time, the Marine didn't say a word, 
but simply picked up he little dog, tossed it out the 
train window, then sat down. The woman shrieked, 
"Someone, defend my honour! This American
needs to be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for 
doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the 
wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong 
side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown
the wrong bitch out the window."

Thanks Hal

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Monday, May 18, 2015

Awww Monday ~ Woodsterman Style IV

I Received This From A Friend Yesterday.


It Made Me Think About Mother Nature 

At Work & How Few Folks Share Beautiful 

Nature Photos These Days.

Thanks Hal

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Just Pondering . . . .

Idle Thoughts Wandering  through a Retiree's Mind

I had amnesia once --- maybe twice.

I went to San Francisco .
I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that 
money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place,
men would be the ones who 
ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible
and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and 
courteous in the home and, 
when he grows up, he'll never be able
 to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left 
when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists:
they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height--
which varies.

I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure,
 how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, 
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it me -- or
do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Thanks Hal

Friday, May 15, 2015

I Tried . . . .

While strolling around the Harbor this morning 
around 7:00 a.m., I noticed a character shouting 
"Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and 
suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. 

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help, he would surely drown. Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept. It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded. I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

Thanks Hal

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

A Need For More Tolerance...

Jigs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame  broadcaster 
speaking in Ontario, says: "I am truly  perplexed that 
so many of my friends are against another mosque 
being built in  Toronto. I think it should be the goal 
of every  Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their 
religious  beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, 
in an effort to  promote tolerance." 

“That is why I also propose that two  nightclubs be 
opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting 
tolerance from  within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, 
'The Turban  Cowboy' and the other, a topless bar, 
would  be called 'You Mecca Me Hot'."   

“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes  
in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork 
restaurant,  called 'Iraq of Ribs'." 

“Across the street there could be a lingerie store  called 
'Victoria Keeps  Nothing Secret' with sexy mannequins 
in the window  modeling the goods and on the other side 
a liquor store called 'Morehammered'." 
"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate 
the  tolerance they demand of us.

Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your  
part by passing this on.
And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... 
it is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the 
oasis and time to put your  camel to bed."

Thanks Hal

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

A True Heartwarming Story

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and
clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him,
"You're driving me

One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was

The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a
disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had she seen such a
stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from
school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland. 

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost
incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart
surgery,  which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which
was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor
smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started
to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly
died .

The doctor was shocked, wondering  what went wrong so
suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor  in
the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect
his vacuum cleaner.

 Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.

Thanks Hal

Monday, May 11, 2015

Awww Monday ~ Woodsterman Style III

Photography is patience and timing.

Thanks Hal 


Sunday, May 10, 2015

Ok to Laugh, it's called Political Humor ...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY all you Mothers out there.

Thanks Hal

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Shoeshine ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

A Texan sat on the barber's chair 
"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." 

The barber (using a straight razor by the way) 
began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, 
firmest, most beautiful real breasts that he had 
ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

    The Texan said, "Young lady, you and I should 
go and spend some time in a hotel room."
     She replied, "I'm married and my 
husband wouldn't like  that."

     The Texan said, "Tell him you're working 
overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him; you're​ ​ ​CLOSER​ ​​​”

Other Shoe Shining Rule 5 ers:
Average Bubba     

Friday, May 8, 2015

Miracles . . . .

 Somewhere along the border in El Paso an
illegal, leaving the welfare office, is saved.

I never did see that beach.

Thanks Hal for the GIF and Kermit