Tuesday, March 31, 2015

The Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,

has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job

in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and

would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the

missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language,

asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are

talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, 

"He says he doesn't know

what you are talking about."

 The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's

head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

 The lawyer signs to Guido,

"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK!

You win! The money is in a brown

briefcase, buried behind the shed at my

cousin Bruno's house."

 The Godfather asks the lawyer,

"What did he say?"

 The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to

pull the trigger."

 You gotta love lawyers!!

Thanks Dick

Monday, March 30, 2015

Favorite Bar

"As good as this bar is,"  said the Scotsman, "I still prefer 
the pubs back home In Glasgow , there's a  wee place 
called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way 
for the  locals. When you buy four drinks, 
he'll buy the fifth drink."

  "Well, Angus," said the  Englishman, "At my local in 
London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you  your 
third drink after you buy the first two."

  "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said  Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. 
"Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the  moment 
you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then 
another, all  the drinks you like, actually. Then, when 
you've had enough drinks, they'll  take you upstairs and 
see dat you get laid, all on the house!" 

 The Englishman and Scotsman  were suspicious of the 
claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

  "Not meself, personally, no,"  admitted the Irishman, 
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few  times."
Thanks Dan

Sunday, March 29, 2015

When People Ask What You Learned Today .....

Manure... An interesting fact

Manure :  In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything 
had to be transported by ship and it was also 
before the invention of commercial fertilizers, 
so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed 
a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, 
not only did it become heavier, but the process 
of fermentation began again, of which a by product 
is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below 
decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. 
Methane began to build up below decks and the 
first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner 
before it was determined just what was happening 

After that, the bundles of manure were always 
stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' 
on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it 
high enough off the lower decks so that any water 
that came into the hold would not touch this 
volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

  Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) 
which has come down through the centuries 
and is in use to this very day. 

You probably did not know the true history of this word. 

Neither did I. 

I had always thought it was a golf term.

Thanks Dan

Friday, March 27, 2015

Frozen Windows

 I had to add this above because I plain like it.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
     "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
     "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
     "Computer really messed up now.”

Thanks Hal

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Thursday Three . . . .

 She had very soft hands

W     I     D     E     R
Thanks Hal

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

OO-RAH! .....

A  Marine enters the Catholic Church
confessional booth in Jacksonville.
He  tells the priest, "Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.  Last night, I beat the
hell out of an  Obama supporter."

The  priest says, "My son, I am here to
forgive your sins, not to discuss your
community service." 

Thanks Hal

Tuesday, March 24, 2015



A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

And finally they got married, and had a little sweet
Potato, which they

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts Of life.

They warned her about going
Out and getting
Half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,

Get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and

End up with a bunch of tater tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get Her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

When she went off to
Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out

For the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And

When she went out West, to
Watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped...

Yam said she would stay on the straight and
Narrow and wouldn't associate with

Those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all The trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for
Her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was
Going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!
Mr. And Mrs.
Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't
Possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......
Are you
Ready for this?


You sure?




Here it is!







Thanks Hal ... I think.

Monday, March 23, 2015

OK Boys and Girls ... It's Started

I'll be plunking away at it for awhile. I've always
thought a gray background with dark text was
easiest on the eyes. I have a couple wild backgrounds
picked out for later. 

I've done this many times before elsewhere, and
that's why I have so many practice blogs. If you
want to see where I'm trying this out, here's a 
link below:

A Great Math Trick . . . . WOW!

I love math tricks and this one will only take you about ten seconds. Amazingly, it really works and will reveal your all-time favorite movie.

                I'm pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities. Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite movie  

                DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is.


                1. Pick a number from 1-9. 


                2. Multiply that number by 3. 


                3. Add 3. 


                4. Multiply by 3 again. 


                5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find
                your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below: 

                Movie List: 

                1. Gone With the Wind
                2. E.T.
                3. Blazing Saddles
                4. Star Wars
                5. Forrest Gump
                6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
                7. Jaws
                8. Grease
                9. The Obama Farewell Speech
                10. Casablanca 
                11. Jurassic Park 
                12. Shrek
                13. Pirates of the Caribbean 
                14. Titanic
                15. Raiders of the Lost Ark 
                16. Home Alone
                17. Mrs. Doubtfire 

                Now, isn't that something?

Thanks Dan

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Under Construction ~ Woodsterman Style

 I'll bet you think this is a spoof about
construction workers .... well a little of
that too. We at Woodsterman try not to
be too serious about most things.
 This May the old Woodsterman blog will be
six years old. We've never given the old boy
(the site NOT the avatar ... NEVER!) a face
lift. This template is Sooooo old it can hardly
be modified. 
 Those of you new to blogger have probably never
heard of the template "Minima". All of the things you
see on this blog as far as width (this is wider than
standard) and the like used to have to be tweaked
in the HTML.
 I can't just go into the HTML any longer and tweak
the old girl. Google barely supports this
template any more. So, I've made a management
decision and decided to go modern. Over the next
couple of hours, days, weeks, or even months I'll
be giving the old girl a facelift. 

You know me as only serious sometimes, so I had
to post these pictures along with this announcement.
 The last straw is lately comments were being corrupted
with non Java gibberish or something. That is why you
see I've gone back to the drop down window. 

As some of you know, a few others and I have another
blog. It started out successful but slowed down do to,
I would have to say, a lack of interest. I've been keeping
it going. It has been much easier to maintain do to its
newer template. I can even add sexy backgrounds. Here's
a LINK so you can see what I mean.

I'm just changing the ease of posting and maintaining.
Things will stay as goofy around here as always ... 


Saturday, March 21, 2015

Evening Wear ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

 There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They 
were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 
50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to 
the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. 
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The 
blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

Other Evening Loving Rule 5 ers:
Average Bubba     

Friday, March 20, 2015

A Wise Tale

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, 
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther 
heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately 
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the 
approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old 
German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! 
I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, 
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! 
That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole 
scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge 
to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. 
So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills 
the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of 
and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's 
going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming 
with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going 
to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down 
with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen 
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, 
the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to 
bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the  old dogs . Age and skill will always 
overcome youth and treachery!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, 
just 'youthfully challenged'.

Thanks Hal

Thursday, March 19, 2015

A Little Thursday Fun

Thanks Brighid (LINK)


What The President Lacks

 Thanks Hal


That's where I've seen him before . . .

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

The Wet Floor

Two deputies call the station on the radio.

"Station, is that you, Sergeant?"

"Yes.  Go ahead."

"We have a case here, Sergeant.   A woman has shot 
her husband for stepping on the
floor she'd just mopped clean."

"OK.  Well, have you arrested her?"

"No sir . . . the floor's still wet."


When a male bird can't stand it anymore!


So, I figured maybe I need a five year plan.

I tried to envision where I want to 
be in five years, but I just can't.

I don't have 2020 vision.

ta daaah!

Thanks Hal and Dan

Monday, March 16, 2015

Late Breaking Story From ESPN

Pete Carroll, former head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, 
is reported to be very near to signing on as a special 
consultant to The Pope in Vatican City. The Pope looks 
to recruit Carroll to be a spokesman for the Catholic 
Church because he is the first man in history that made 
100 million people jump up and yell 
"Jesus Christ!" at the same time. 

Thanks Hal

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Three Kids Fishing

Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the 
parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and 
landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids 
who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so 
grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack 
said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 
shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have 
Michael Jordan sign them.'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with 
a built in TV and stereo headset.'
Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you 
don't look like you're handicapped.
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out 
I saved your ass from drowning.

Thanks Dan!

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Largest Police Bust In Arizona History ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style


Well, what in the hell were you expecting 
from me, something serious?

Thanks Dan!


A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed  on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect  of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful.
The woman remained young looking and vibrant.  After fifteen years, the woman returned to  the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine.  I've had to turn the key and I've  always loved the results.  But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then."

Thanks Hal!


How about some cleavage

Other Cleavage Loving Rule 5 ers:
Average Bubba     

Friday, March 13, 2015

Doctors Comparing Notes

"In Israel medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's 
testicles put them on another man and in 6 weeks he is 
looking for work."
The German doctor says:  "That's nothing, In Germany we 
take part of a brain put it in another man and in 4 weeks 
he is looking for work."   
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart 
from a man put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is 
looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. 
Six years ago we took a Muslim with no brains, no heart 
and no balls and made him President. Now, 
the whole damn country is looking for work!"
I'm told this joke won a competition in Britain.  
Thanks Hal!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

The Rooster

Don was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Don's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Don's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Don was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

Thanks Hal

Monday, March 9, 2015

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Start the Rumor...

Finally, a reasonable solution!
 Start the rumour...
"If we could just convince the Chinese that
Jihadists’ testicles are an aphrodisiac,
in 10 years they could be extinct ... "
Yep, it makes absolute perfect sense to me.
Sorry Hillary, Ur Busted ... - Literally !
Thanks Hal


Saturday, March 7, 2015

My First Condom ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

 My First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet
of condoms at nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go 
in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me
and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew 
what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see 
that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the 
package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store 
to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me
into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked 
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my 
mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom 
on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties 
and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much 
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no 
longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she
asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

Thanks Hal 

How about some cleavage . . .

Other Cleavage Loving Rule 5 ers:
Average Bubba