Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The Three Kings


Little Johnny, can you tell me the name 

of 3 great kings who have
Brought happiness and peace into 

people's lives?

Little Johnny answered:

Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

Thanks Dan!

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Tuesday . . . . . . . STUFF

Don't pull that ring. It's a self inflating raft.

Monday, December 29, 2014


Lawrence, Kansas, NOVEMBER 12, 2014.

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company 

to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends 
called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring,
her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, 

curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, 

and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog 

moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, 
the telephone repairman found:
 1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's 

ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current 
when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start 
moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, 
thus causing the phone to ring.

 Which demonstrates that some problems 

CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 Just thought you'd like to know.

Personnel Note: As a former telephone company employee, of 30 years, I can relate to this. In other words, nothing could surprise me.

Thanks Hal!

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Same Sex marriage

Norman and Barry got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to  
Norman's Mom and Dad's house for their first married 
night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up 
and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to 
go to school, he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are 
up yet. She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 
'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! 
Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 
'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know  what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'


He says: 'Last night Norman came to  my room for the 
Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.'

Friday, December 26, 2014

Tis Still The Season ~OR~ Only 364 Shopping Days Left

A Christmas Joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by 
Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You 

must each possess something that symbolizes 
Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and 

pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 
'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a 

set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman  started searching desperately through his 

pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and 

asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy  replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season

Thank You Mister Trailbee!

Wednesday, December 24, 2014


One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend 
Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. 
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, 
"Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu.
"I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
 "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."


Thank You Mister Trailbee!

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Christmas Charity

A man who worked for the Post Office whose job 
was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting 

to God with a jerkily written address. He thought he 
should open it to see what it was  about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year  old widow, living on a very small pension. 

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which 
was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends 

over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy 
food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to 

all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet 
and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the 
rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an 
envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking 

of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her 
friends. Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old 

lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the 
letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How  can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious 

dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told 
my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

Thank You Mr. Trailbee!

Monday, December 22, 2014

Hooter's Stop ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at 
‘Hooter's’ to see some friends and have some hot 
Wings and ice tea.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked 
me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an 
elevator with.

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators." 
I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

Thank You Mr. Trailbee!

Other Hooters lover Rule 5 ers:

Thursday, December 18, 2014

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!

Queen Elizabeth and
Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel

to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven..

Dolly takes off her top and says,
'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts 
God ever created, and I'm sure 
it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks,
'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations
and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven,
a Royal Flush
beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.

Thanks Dan !

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Monday, December 15, 2014

The History of Racial Profiling

The day it all started was MARCH 6, 1836.

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose 
from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo and 
walked up to the observation post along the west wall 
of the fort.  William B. Travis and  Jim Bowie were 
already there, looking out over the top of  the wall.  
He joined them.

These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans 
moving towards the Alamo.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to 
Bowie and said, "Jim, are we, by any chance, 
having any landscaping done today?"

Tell the truth, are you now suffering
from white guilt after reading this?

Thanks Mr. Trailbee!

Sunday, December 14, 2014

The Year 2017

One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approached
the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue
where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,
"I would like to go in and meet with President
Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said,
"Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer
resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and
walked away.

The following day the same man approached the
White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like
to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine
again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr.
Obama is no longer President and no longer resides
here." The man thanked him and again just walked away.

The third day the same man approached the White House and
spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go
in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at
the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have
been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you
already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no
longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand.
I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention,
saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

Thank You Mr. Trailbee!