Friday, February 28, 2014

He's My Brother


Two young boys walked into a  pharmacy one day, 
picked out a box of tampons and preceded to  the 
checkout counter.

The man at the counter  asked the older boy, 
"Son, how old are you?"
"Eight,"  the boy replied.
 
The man continued, "do you know what  these are 
used for?"
 
The boy replied, "not exactly,  but they aren't for me. 
They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on 
TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and 
ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Thanks Dan !

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

How Real Men Decorate Their Homes III




Thanks Dan !

I've been absent because of another Reno R&R. Then when I got
home I had Dresden duty. Makes it tough to post and roam
around the web. He loves to pull the keys OFF of the computers.
So, mine doesn't get opened with him around. I just got his
Father's fixed.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Monday, February 24, 2014

Golf


On a golf tour in Ireland , Phil Mickelson drives his 
Mercedes-Benz into a petrol station in a remote part 
of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about 
golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely 
unaware of who the golfing pro is.


"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Phil nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick 
up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket 
onto the ground.
 
“What are those?", asks the attendant

 

"They're called tees" replies Phil .

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" 
inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Phil .


"Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Fishing Buddy ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying 
my favorite pastime -- Pickerel fishing.

I bought my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife 

to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day down at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to 

talking to Sam the shop owner, who it turned out, loves 
Pickerel fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing 
buddies.

As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only 

refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too 
much time out on the lake.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. 

Not only did I catch the most beautiful Pickerel you've ever seen, 
only a few minutes later Sam must have caught its twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice Pickerel 

that we caught and showed the picture to my wife, hoping 
that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! 

And she wants me to sell the boat!
I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my 

hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
 

Thanks, Woodsterman.



P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two Pickerel we caught.









Dear Woodsterman,
 

Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.
That's a nice pair of  Pickerel!


Sincerely,  Dr. Phil





 And for the Ladies!
Thanks Dan!

Other Fishing Buddy Rule 5 ers:
 

Friday, February 21, 2014

The Art Of Fishing



Fishing with a hand grenade.

1. Pull the pin.
2. Throw it far from the boat.
3. Net the stunned and dead fish.
Click on the photo.

I could watch it for hours....


These guys forgot step 2.



Thanks Trailbee!

Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Hunter


A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew. The gun fell over 
and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours 
later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. 
The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage 
was local to your groin there was very little internal damage 
and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot 
damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. 
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. 
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.

"She's a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. 
She's going to teach you where to put your 
fingers so you don't piss in your eye.."

Thanks Dan and Grumpy!

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Today's Lesson On Irony ~OR~ Obama's World


Two Statements that speak volumes:

Irony 1:
“We are told NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the actions 
of a few lunatics."  BUT on the other hand…….
 
"We are also encouraged TO judge ALL Gun Owners by 
the actions of a few lunatics."
Irony 2:

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the 
U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be 
distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals 
and Food Stamps ever, to 47 million people as 
of the most recent figures available in 2013.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the 

U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us 
"Please Do Not Feed the Animals."  Their stated reason for 
the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on 
handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

Thus Ends Today's Lesson On Irony

Thanks Dan !

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

JESUS AND THE LABOR BOSS


I hope you get a smile out of this one. 
(I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!!)


A 'Conservative', in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant 
one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. 
The 'Conservative' looked across the restaurant and asked, 
"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the 'Conservative' requested 
that she give Jesus a cup of hot chocolate, on him.

The next patron to come in was a 'Obama' supporter, 
with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully 
sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. 
He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, 
"Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the 'Obama' supporter asked her 
to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a 'Labor Boss' on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down 
and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a 
cold XXXX beer?" He too looked across the restaurant and 
asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"



The waitress nodded, so the 'Labor Boss'  directed her to 
give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the 'Conservative', 
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed. 
"The 'Conservative' felt the strength come back into his legs, 
got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the 'Obama' supporter, touched him and said, 
"For your kindness, you are healed." The 'Obama' supporter 
felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised 
the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the 'Labor Boss' , just smiling. 
The 'Labor Boss'  jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me .... 
I'm on a disability pension."

Thanks Dan & Grumpy

Monday, February 17, 2014

Positive Attitude ~ Oh Nurse Woodsterman Style


Thursday night, I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in 
hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, 
wires monitoring every function & all around my head, 
hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse 
hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 
“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

I managed to mumble a reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”



NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

Thanks Dan!

Sunday, February 16, 2014

RINO Alert !



OOPS .... Here I am in my hotel room in Reno and I click 
on my favorite blog, and yesterday's post is top and center.
I had this on my desktop so what the heck. 

We had fun at Mrs. Woodsterman's Group's Valentine Ball.
I even danced with the old girl. After it was over we hit the
casino for a couple of hours. 

We'll be headed home after she wakes up and we get breakfast.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Cheating or Not ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style



THIS IS FOR ALL MY FRIENDS WHO KNOW ALL THE 
RULES ABOUT EVERYTHING.  I COULD FIND NO 
REGULATION ON WHETHER YOU HAVE TO USE THE 
CUE IN YOUR RIGHT OR LEFT HAND OR IF USING A 
BRIDGE ON THE TABLE FOR BALANCE IS ALLOWED.

BUT I'M NOT NEARLY AS BIG A "SPORTSMAN" AS 
MOST OF YOU, SO I DON'T KNOW ALL THE RULES.

To all you snooker and pool players...the question has come up.....

? Is this Cheating??








I was just wondering?

Other Cheater Rule 5 ers:
 

Friday, February 14, 2014

Happy Valentine's Day Woodsterman Style


The Cuteness Post

Friends Forever !
OR this friend forever!
Take someone cuddly to dinner.
She's waiting for me.
 Happy Valentine's Day from the Snow Cupid 
in my Snow Country to Yours.
In my Dreams!
I'm getting ready for the evening.
But regrettably she knows me all too well.

I'll continue to do my best ...

I'm being taken to a Valentine's Ball on Saturday night ...

Wish me luck ... Hope the fancy duds still fit.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine's Day NewsBusted 2/14/14

Thursday, February 13, 2014

The Dog With The Chinese Name



Whether  you own a dog or not, you must 
appreciate the efforts of this
owner to sell her dog. Look at the picture 
and then read the sales pitch below.

Dog For Sale . Free to good home. Excellent 
guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro 
anymore, as there are no more drug
pushers,  thieves, murderers, or molesters 
left in the neighborhood for him to eat.  Most 
of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name,
Ho Lee Schitt.

Thanks David!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Saturday, February 8, 2014

The "Olympic" word! ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style


A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending
a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ..
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed
freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout
the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the
first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward
her and she exclaimed:

"OH!! Limp pricks!"
 Over the next two and a half millenniums 
that morphed into " Olympics".