Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Tuesday With More Fun ...






I hope these don't get old. I've been working with Apple
support and engineering with a problem. It's challenging
the whole bunch of them. They promised to name the
problem after me ... Yup, leave it to the old Woodsterman
to be original.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Sunday, September 28, 2014

For Sunday ~ DO YOU KNOW YOUR HYMNS?


Dentist's Hymn................................... Crown Him with Many Crowns

Weatherman's Hymn......................There Shall Be Showers of Blessing

Contractor's Hymn............................... The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn............................... ..Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn .................................There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn.......................... Standing on the Promises!

Optometrist's Hymn.............................. Open My Eyes That I Might See

The Tax Man's  Hymn....................... I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn................................Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn....................... Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn............................ Sweet Bye and Bye

The Realtor's Hymn.................. I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn............. He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn................................ The Great Physician

 AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:

55 mph.......................... God Will Take Care of You

75 mph .......................... Nearer My God To Thee

85 mph ........................... This World Is Not My Home

95 mph ........................... Lord, I'm Coming Home
 
100 mph
.......................... Precious Memories


Thanks Dan 

 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Land of Opportunity ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style


*****************
 A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class . . . 
"What do you want to be when you grow up ?"
Little Odie says,  "I wanna start out as a 
Marine fighter pilot, then be a billionaire, 
go to the most expensive clubs, find me the 
finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a 
million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, 
a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, 
an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging 
her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to 
do with this horrible response from little Odie
decides not to acknowledge what he said and 
simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah ?"

"I wanna be Odie's whore."

Thank You Brighid and Trailbee!

Other Opportunistic Rule 5 ers:
 

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Monday, September 22, 2014

Sunday, September 21, 2014

I Just Heard About Our Friend Scott

Scott, a blogger friend of ours passed away on September 16th.
I first heard of this about 10 minutes ago. I decided to visit his
Facebook page to see where he's been. Bang, right between my
eyes it hit. There was a death notice to his friends from his
daughter, Marsha. 

 His blog was: 
"Scotty's Dreamworld" Formerly "The Scottcrap Dream" (LINK)

His Facebook Page: 
https://www.facebook.com/Scottcarp100

Scotty me Friend I will miss you. I've enjoyed our friendship
of these four years so very much.  

As I used to answer so many of your comments here:
"Scotty, beam me up." 



Virgin's Delight

Thanks Dan and Trailbee!

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Blondes 'R Us ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. 
They were all trapped on an island and the nearest 
shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam 
 trying to make it to the other shore she swam 
15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 
24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 
25 miles, got tired, and swam back.



Thank You Ladies !

Other Rule 5 ers 'R Us:
 


Friday, September 19, 2014

Before You Jump

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, 
trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to 
kill yourself anyway, would you mindif we had sex first?"

 The woman said "Hell no...get away from me...you sicko!"

 The bum turned to leave and muttered, 
"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

Thanks David

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

War on Women ~OR~ HOW OLD GUYS PICK UP CHICKS


I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore.
Some would even say I'm a little frayed around the edges....
 
But, I have a nice car, a little money, and I spend most of my time
casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life.
 
I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us.
 
All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately
dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
 
As we lay there making love, I thought .......
 
"Wow, these Taser guns are really worth the money!!"
 
Thanks Trailbee

Monday, September 15, 2014

Sex In The Shower


IN A RECENT SURVEY CARRIED OUT BY "BRUT", A
LEADING TOILETRIES FIRM; PEOPLE FROM CHICAGO 
HAVE PROVED TO BE THE MOST LIKELY TO HAVE HAD 
SEX IN THE SHOWER. IN THE SURVEY, 86% OF 
CHICAGO'S INNER CITY RESIDENTS (MOST OF WHOM
ARE REGISTERED DEMOCRATS) SAY THAT THEY HAVE 
ENJOYED SEX IN THE SHOWER.

 THE OTHER 14% HAD NOT BEEN TO PRISON YET!

SORT OF BRINGS TEARS TO YOUR EYES!

Thank You Trailbee!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Hello -- I Still Have More Questions


Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with 
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their 
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it 
and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will 
ever open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's 
falling off the table you always manage to 
knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it 
was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons 
is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your 
three best friends. 
If they're OK..? (then it's you!)

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Special Watch ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style


A Marine Helo pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat 
next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his 
watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 
“Is your date running late?”
 
 

No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, 
and I was just testing it.”
 
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? 
What’s so special about it?”

The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
 
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
 
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
 
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”
 
And that, my friends…......is Confidence!



 
 

Friday, September 12, 2014

NewsBusted 9/12/14 ~ NewsBusters.org

Hello -- I Have More Questions


Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control 
when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; 
when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are 
one billion stars in the universe you believe them,
but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to 
touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, 
but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, 
the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Hello -- I have questions!


Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?



Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?


If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'


What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?


Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?


Whatever happened to Preparations A through G ?


Thank You Dan!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

LESSON FOR TODAY





Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass.

 
In the process, we end up in trouble.
 
And when you find yourself in trouble
and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of,
there is one thing you should
always remember:
 
 
 

Not everyone who shows up...
 
 
 

Is there to help you!!!!   
That is the end of today’s lesson
Thank You Trailbee! 
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