Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Monday, July 29, 2013

My Daughter Said . . .

My Daughter Before

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, 
cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw 
all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, 
and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my 
jewelry to Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my 
front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. 
Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget 
to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sister.





Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...

"Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

My Daughter After
What a damn waste ... Thanks Dan!

OH . . . . No more cow butts, so here's something different . . . . a goat butt for the boyfriend.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Senior Test . . .




Something for seniors to do to keep 
those "aging" grey cells active!

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. ...What was the third child 's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. ...What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,  ...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole  ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language  ...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.  ....How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?

8. What was the President 's Name... in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,  ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,...  "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,  ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
   
 
 
   
Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer :  Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer:  Mt. Everest; it just wasn 't discovered yet. [ You 're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer:  There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer:  Incorrectly

6. Billy was born  on December 28th , yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer:  Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer:  You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now -  Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer:  You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer:  Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer:  One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.
 
 
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
 
 
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
 
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.

Life is good!
(thanks David I think)

Did you really think we were done with cow's asses?

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Cows, Butts, and Golf ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style



A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, 
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?''Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at 
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle We went to look for them and while I was looking around I 
noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf 
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of 
the cow's fannyStill holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 
'Hey, this looks like yours!'
''I don't remember much after that"

The Babes . . .


OH BOY ... I love my job!

Other Rule 5 ers:

Friday, July 26, 2013

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Management Lesson



Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
 
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
 
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '
 
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
 
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down.'
 
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
 
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Thanks Dan!


Monday, July 22, 2013

Who Me ?



Thanks Dan . . . I Think.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

The Band




British humour is often brutal ......


I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on
dvd.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
Well that was when the trouble started
They have no sense of Humour!!
 Just another Muslim

Thanks Dan!

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Blondelious ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style


Blonde School Girl 

A little blonde girl comes back from 
school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: 
"Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, 
all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
 
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: 
"Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the 
other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: 
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
 
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, 
today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have 
no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her 
impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because 
I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."




Other Rule 5 ers:


Friday, July 19, 2013

Go Granny, Go Ganny, Go Granny, Go . . .


Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: 

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma


***/***/***/***

Well Boys and Girls,

You just missed me, for I have just left to set up
for our show in Kings Beach, Lake Tahoe. I'll be
a little busy for a few days, so the next few days
posts are all preposted. (Why doesn't spell-check
ever like "preposted"?) So have fun and I'll be
thinking of yous guys.

Question: I'm not able to see my avatar in any comments. Am
I visible to any of you? This just started Thursday. Do I have
to join that damn google plus or something. I see all of you
just fine.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

The Boy King of Africa IV


OK OK ... So I'm late, but Ron sent me so many.




Ain't love grand . . .

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Monday, July 15, 2013

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