Monday, June 24, 2013

Jokes And Coffee ?



I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, 
by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with 
the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her
in the morning...

************************

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, 
so I did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.

*************************

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were 
shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because 
my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 
10th anniversary.

**************************

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his 
class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! 
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

***************************

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having 
sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

***************************

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator 
says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the 
same, but the ironing is piling up!"

****************************

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said 
she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously 
haven't been listening."

*****************************

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare 
for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her 
clothes back.

******************************

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could 
contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, 
but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Thanks David !

32 comments:

Sheik YerBouti said...

Maybe Kathy could help with the garden hose.

Race Bannon said...

Mrs. Bannon told me to say they are not funny...'cept the Pakistan one.

Randy-g said...

Another school for that teacher!!!

Supi said...

I will never look at Goodwill the same way again. lol.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Booti, we could put ours all together.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Race, I knew some of the ladies wouldn't like them, but I'm an equal opportunity offender.

Opus #6 said...

I like the cow one.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Randy, I know it's a shame. Just when he gets to know the kids. (Did I really say that?)

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Supi, All my wives clothes are there.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Opie, good for you.

***See Race, a woman with a warped sense of humor just like mine.

Thersites said...

:)

Adrienne said...

I'm a woman and I think they're funny. Love the Goodwill one. Even read it to my hubby. Had to interrupt him from packing my clothes. heh...

Scott Way said...

I see that you have met Kathy..."Thanks For The Memories".

Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha. These are all great. All of them.

Have a terrific day Odie. ☺

Ron Russell said...

I couldn't afford one of those penis enlargers, but I did get some new batteries and a playboy mag.

edutcher said...

Like the one about the batteries.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Thersites, Back at you :)

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Adrienne, sew a GPS device in the linings.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Scotty, you know Kathy too?

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Sandee, thanks ... I do that a lot huh.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Ron, watch out! You're gonna needed glasses like the old Woodsterman. (Ron, did I ever tell you the real reason for the name "Woodsterman"?)

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Edutcher, Got my blond batteries for her birthday.

Ron Russell said...

Not sure if you told me, is there a joke coming---something about Pecker woods?

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Ron, hint ... morning wood.

doubletroubletwo said...

Lol! Always a good laugh :) Thanks Odie!

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

2T2, that's my job.

Rick Street said...

Thanks for the laugh

edutcher said...

You're a good hubbo.

Maggie Thornton said...

Odie, I'm told belly laughs are good for health. I get healthier everytime I visit. You are a hoot! Thank you :-)

Maggie@MaggiesNotebook
http://maggiesnotebook.com

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Rick, that's my job.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Edutcher, we all have to do our part.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Maggie, thank you so much kind Lady.