Friday, May 31, 2013

Friday Fun

Always choose a memorable password!

     A lady helps her husband install a new computer
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,

 selecting a word that he'll always remember.
 As the computer asks him to enter it
 he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a word:  


As he hits "enter", to validate the selection,
his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!

The computer had replied:


Thanks Dan!

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Beware of Older Men . . .

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.   She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
 On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's
and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'  The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra..  Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.  She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds'

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Theatre Seats For Seniors

An old man lay reclined across three seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the 
old man,  "I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man mumbled something but didn't budge. 
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up, 
I'm going to have to call the manager."
This time, the old man just groaned. The usher marched 
briskly back up the aisle. In a moment, he returned with the 
manager. Together, the two of them tried a number of times 
to move the disheveled  old man, but with no success. Finally, 
they summoned the police.
The Police officer surveyed the situation briefly and asked, 
"All right then, sir, what's your name?"
"Odie," the old man moaned.

"Thank you, Odie. Now, where are you from?" 
asked the policeman.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, 
Odie moaned, "The balcony..."

Thanks Dan!

Monday, May 27, 2013

Remembering . . . . .

 This was my war, so I dedicate this post to those
on this wall. My best friend Bill was one of those.
It's been a tradition to mention him here each
Memorial Day. My first post about Bill is HERE.
 Too many names .....
God bless all of those that have fallen.
Thank You for my Freedom!

Thank You Bill !

Sunday, May 26, 2013


A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window
on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put
his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the
dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs
Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said,
'Watch   this.'

He told Sniffer to 'Search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully   next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making
a   note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her
when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned   to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine,
so   again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for
a   moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the
middle   seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't
figure   out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Struggling Retiree ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

A pensioner’s life is not what I thought it to be,
..but I will not despair.

I too am affected by the economic crisis.


I have to eat moldy cheese.
 …and dried meat
 I have to drink old wine
 …my car has not got a roof
 …and my bathtub is in the garden

But I will continue to struggle along and
now I must protect my nose from the sun.

With a bit of courage I will survive this crisis.

Thanks David !

Other Rule 5 ers:

Friday, May 24, 2013

Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much.
I do, too, especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
    Guess where I am now ....

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Woodsterman's First Post Four Years Ago Today

Oops, who is that masked man? I don't know,
but she sure likes him.

Thank you all for helping this old man act like
a kid again for four years today. Your loyalty to
this blog humbles me greatly. I'm not as well
followed as my very good political friends, but
I feel this little niche I have filled here has served
it's purpose well. 

So kids (that's because I'm 66), This blog is four
years old today, has had about 350,000 hits, and
over 550,000 page views (and I know who that
guy is).


Just being me ... jealous?

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

A Little R and R Woodsterman Style

 I'm at the Grand Sierra Resort, formally the MGM
in Reno. I do this a couple of times a year. Mrs.
Woodsterman was with me the first night. She was
celebrating her 39th anniversary. Your looking from
the RV Park to the main Resort.
 Here's old Betsy. I'm here, alone, until I travel west
to do a couple of days of fishing.
 This is a small corner of the casino. I took
this from the one of the many video poker bars.
 This is a really cool slot machine bank
where you get to go fishing.
And ... at the video poker bar ... breakfast dessert.

Woodsterman has a surprise tomorrow ... TA TA

NewsBusted 5/21/13 ~

Well, as some of you know, I like to visit Reno
in the motorhome for a little R & R a couple of
times a year. This is one of those times. I guess
the casino RV part I'm staying at has run in to
hard times. Their internet is back the way it was
a few years back ... remember? I'm glad I
pre-posted a lot of this stuff just in case. Jodi, 
however, I could not ... so here she is ...
After four f***ing tries.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Lying In Bed Pondering

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,
I rapidly realized that I don't really give a hoot.

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

Some Mature Thoughts:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go
somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Thanks Dan !

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Golf Game ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde approached them she asked the trio if she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.
"Thanks fellas. By the way, I dance in a topless bar so not much shocks me. If you want to smoke, drink, bet,                                                  
swear, tell off-colour jokes or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But listen, I consider myself a decent player, so
please don't try to coach me."
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.  All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a wedge and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak since I've left a tricky little putt."  She then sunk the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honours, her drive landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par and had a nasty 12-foot putt for a par. 
She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.  If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Scotch, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The grey-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."
The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

Other Rule 5 ers:

Friday, May 17, 2013

Another Day ~ More Fun

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile,
  waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

Thanks Dan !

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the
sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the
same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can
also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the
resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........

The pastor called on him and the little boy said,
"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours
you are supposed to call the doctor."

Thanks Dan !

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Dress For The Moment

Jodi is missing in action again, so enjoy this.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

For You Thong Wearers ....

I have heard of bras for a car. This is a first. 

Friday, May 10, 2013

Groaner Alert

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's 
mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the 
Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled 
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next 
port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . 
This would have been the largest single shipment of 
mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, 
the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an 
iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico , who were crazy 
about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, 
were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, 
that they declared a National Day of Mourning.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on 
May 5th and is known, of course, as -

Sinko De Mayo.
WHAT ??? You expected something educational from me?
You need a shot of Tequila .

Thanks Dan !

Thursday, May 9, 2013



Lady Interviewer: Do you shoot  often?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much do  you shoot at the target range?

Man: Around 3 boxes of  ammo give or take.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a  box cost?

Man: Roughly $30.00 at a sporting goods  store.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been  target shooting?

Man: 35 years.

Lady  Interviewer: You are shooting about four times a month at a  cost of about $150.00, so that's $600 each month and you're  spending about $7,200 per year, right?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend  $7,200 on ammo, not accounting for inflation, 35 years puts  you're spending roughly $252,000; correct?

Man:  Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you  that if you never shot guns for the past 35 years you'd have enough money for a brand new Ferrari?

Man: Do you shoot?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So, where's  your fuckin' Ferrari?


Thanks Dan !

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

OLD Medical School Exam

This explains it all..............
When I was young (100 yrs. ago) and my intent was to 
go to medical school, the entrance exam included several 
questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I 
to spell out an important part of the human body that is 
more useful when erect."

Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors. 
The rest ended up in Congress.

Monday, May 6, 2013

I Think This Is A Great Addition To Yesterday's Post

These are my sentiments exactly! Sometimes this
Vietnam Vet just doesn't think the word hate is
strong enough, though.

This was stolen from Lee at Facebook.
Here's his blog (LINK)

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Every So Often, An Email Says It Best !

And here we have the perfect poster that should be on 
billboards on every road leading into New York, 
Washington DC, Chicago, San Francisco, LA and Hollywood!

What an awesome poster… please pass it on!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

NFL Name Change ~OR~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style

The American Indian Counsel has requested that the 
NFL disassociate itself with Indian Names.

The Washington Redskins will therefore change their 
name to the Washington Foreskins in honor of all the 
pricks in Washington DC, effective immediately.

Other Rule 5 ers: