Monday, January 30, 2012

Hanging By A Boob

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, 
I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting 
a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty 
but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to 
hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too soooo…… 
I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I 
actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier 
smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side 
and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step 
into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this 
gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to 
the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes 
and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the 
remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? 
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with 
my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of 
square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they 
hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are 
you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the 
door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. 
I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's 
exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" 
found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws 
of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, 
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, 
if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much 
calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye 
as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 
"Oh I am sooo sorry!
The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! 
And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended 
up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said, 
"Case Dismissed".

As told by Katy ... Thank You !

Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they 
decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his 
shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and 
again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes ..... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: 
"You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. 
How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:
"Didn't feel a thing." 
Thanks David !

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

BABY BOOMER TEST

(Have a paper and pencil handy to record your answers... 
Your mind isn't as sharp as it once was!)

This is NOT a pushover test. It's a Baby Boomer era test!

There are 20 questions. Average score is 12 .
This one will be difficult for the younger set.. (DUDE!)


Have fun, but no peeking!

If you forward this to your friends/family,
Put your score in the subject line and let them know your score.


Good luck, youngsters,

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil


2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay



3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and....
A. It's you.
B. He is us.
C. It's the Grinch.
D He wasn't home.
E. He's really me and you.
F. We quit.
G. He surrendered.


4. Good night, David...
A. Good night, Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night, Irene
D. Good night, Gracie
E. See you later, alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night, Steve



5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent



6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, 
Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott.
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo



7. Liar, liar...
A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom


8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a 
never ending battle for truth, justice and......
A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines



9. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It's time for Yogi Bear.
B It's time to do your homework.
C. It's Howdy Doody Time.
D. It's time for Romper Room.
E. It's bedtime.
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour.
G. Scooby Doo Time.



10. Lions and tigers and bears....
A. Yikes.
B. Oh, no.
C. Gee whiz.
D. I'm scared.
E. Oh my.
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run.


11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone....
A. Over 40.
B. Wearing a uniform.
C. Carrying a briefcase.
D. Over 30.
E. You don't know.
F. Who says, 'Trust me'.
G. Who eats tofu.


12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television 
commercial wearing women's stockings...
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Staubach
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway



13. Brylcream...
A. Smear it on.
B. You'll smell great.
C. Tame that cowlick.
D. Grease ball heaven.
E. It's a dream.
F. We're your team.
G. A little dab'll do ya.



14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins.
B. With my man, Bill.
C. Down at the mill.
D. Over the windowsill.
E. With thyme and dill.
F. Too late to enjoy.
G. On Blueberry Hill.


15.. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...
A. Clark Gable.
B. Mary Martin.
C. Doris Day.
D. Errol Flynn.
E. Sally Field.
F. Jim Carrey.
G. Jay Leno.


16. Name the Beatles...
A.. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo


17. I wonder, wonder, who.
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?



18. I'm strong to the finish...
A. Cause I eats my broccoli..
B. Cause I eats me spinach.
C. Cause I lift weights.
D. Cause I'm the hero.
E. And don't you forget it.
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me.
G. To outlast Bruto.



19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today.
A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera.
B. Smile, you're on Star Search.
C. Smile, you won the lottery.
D. Smile, we're watching you.
E. Smile, the world sees you.
F. Smile, you're a hit.
G. Smile, you're on TV.



20. What do M & M's do?
A. Make your tummy happy.
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket.
C. Make you fat.
D. Melt your heart.
E. Make you popular.
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
G. Come in colors.







ANSWERS BELOW

1. D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cassius Clay
3. B - He Is us
4. A - Good night, Chet
5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D - Maynard G. Krebs
7. C - Pants on fire
8. F - The American Way
9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10. E - Oh my
11. D - Over 30
12. C - Joe Namath
13. G - A little dab'll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15. B - Mary Martin
16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D - Who wrote the book of Love
18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20. F - Melt in your mouth not in your hand


(I got 18) Thanks David !

Monday, January 23, 2012

FOUR OLD ITALIAN LADIES



These four older ladies who lived in Italy
Always sat outside together near the church
And chatted about when they were younger.
One month ago they pooled their money together
And bought a laptop.
Never having been, but having heard all about Florida ,
They just happened to click on St. Augustine , FL.
They read about the "Fountain of Youth" claimed by
The Spaniards when they arrived there.
They collected up all they had left and sent for four
Bottles of the water. As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed. 
The rest of this story will make you a believer, because
Here they are today...................
No.......This is TRUE! Really!
Would We lie to you?
We have a limited supply of this water available at an 
incredibly low price of just $1,499.95 a bottle.
Seriously ..

HURRY BEFORE THE INVENTORY RUNS OUT!!!!
Make checks payable to:
"Democratic National Committee"
(You can trust us, we would NEVER lie to you!)

Sunday, January 22, 2012

If Obama Wins In 2012







Just planning ahead in case Obama wins again! Ya'All better think before ya' vote in 2012 !!!!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Thursday Triple

I gotta get me two of these!
One in English and one in Spanish.
I wouldn't want to be called racist, as
I'm an equal opportunity shooter . . ..
**************************
OMG no longer means what you think
How do you starve an Obama supporter?
Hide his food stamps under his work boots!
*****************
Let's throw in some redneck bumper stickers.




Thanks David !

Monday, January 16, 2012

Future Candidate

Hopefully he will run for Congress.  
He appears to have what most current politicians lack!!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Paradoxical Quote of The Day



"Fathom the Hypocrisy of a Government that requires 
every citizen to prove they are insured... 
but not everyone must prove they are a citizen."
Now that's getting to the root of the problem!
 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Tear Jerker

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. 
Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more 
if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And
liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, 
I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this 
country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, 
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job,
and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman 
approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, 
"I happen to know that God thought that was
a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added 
(indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), "Too bad she never 
asks God for ice cream. A little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the 
end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, 
and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over 
and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he 
told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up
your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

Thanks Dan!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Donation Needed


A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside 
Washington, DC. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, 
“What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for 
a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them 
all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” 
the driver asks.
 
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Neck Pain Cure ~ OR ~ Rule 5 Woodsterman Style



This Really Works . . . 

Neck Pains ?  Try this exercise.







If it worked well, your stiff neck should be lowered.

Thanks Dan !

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Three For Thursday ... Again





************
Life at the Woodsterman household.
************

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

My Eyes Hurt !






Ever heard of the term "Butt Floss". Well, War Planner
I decided to run with it after I told you to google it.